On Tuesday, June 24th, 2009, US Keyhole satellite imagery captured compromising images of missing South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford in Buenos Aires Argentina.
Pressed into action by right wing Carolina zealots, believing their Governor had been taken hostage by Somali pirates or Mexican drug cartels, the CIA employed their sophisticated technology in their capacity to assist in the recovery of a US citizen.
Upon realizing the "jig was up," Governor Sanford was photographed from (125) miles above the earth rising off his knees while facing a very attractive standing nude individual of the female persuasion of undisclosed identity. Governor Sanford then apparently donned a sheet, apparently in an attempt to shield himself from the brutally cold Argentine winter.
CIA operatives on the ground then followed Governor Sanford to the airport, where he purchased a single one-way first-class ticket to Miami. Upon landing back in the states, Governor Sanford then purchased a similar ticket to Columbia South Carolina under the name Henry Webster Mudgett.
Once back in his hometown, he caught a city bus and exited at the Ma & Pa Kettle Free Clinic, a local street clinic frequented by drug addicts, the homeless and $25.00 a date "ladies of leisure." This reporter assumes this was a quick examination for the possible acquisition of alien parasites, such as crab lice or Neisseria gonorrhea, but this is merely speculation.
Governor Sanford was then tracked to a local pharmacy where a prescription for Penicillin was filled, whereby he boarded another taxi and returned to the Governor's Mansion. A press release from the Governor's spokesperson, a Ms. Rhonna Ziegler, stated that the Governor would hold a Press Conference at 1:00 PM EDT the following day to explain his disappearance and to reassure Carolinians that he was "healthy" and had not been taken by pirates, drug lords or Klaatu.
At 1:10 PM EDT on Wednesday, following a brief delay, Governor Sanford approached the speaker's podium, standing behind the state seal...a faded picture of Jim & Tammy Faye Bakker.
Tentatively, Governor Sanford slowly thanked everyone for their prayers, while noticeably scratching himself "south of the border." Governor Sanford then asserted a personal "Force Majeure" and "MAC" (material adverse change) clause in his marriage vows, citing a sexual liaison he has been engaged in for the past year.
In explaining the "MAC," Governor Sanford told the reporters " My wife no longer has the perky breasts she had back in the day and her appetite for fellatio has waned...I haven't had a blow job since Monica Lewinsky worked at the White House. If that isn't a material adverse change, then someone needs to define it for me!"
While expressing regret the embarrassment the disclosure would have on his family, he further outlined that a man of his stature and political position has needs that must be fulfilled in order to carry out his duties efficiently.
Governor Sanford finished the press conference with the statement; "I am sure the majority of my male constituents, all of the Carolina statehouse as well as the US Congress understand my position(s).