Written by Charlie Van Horn

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Wednesday, 7 July 2004

image for Kerry Tongues Dick, Picks Edwards
Dick leaving a bad taste in Kerry's mouth

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania -- John Kerry, presumptive democratic nominee for president, announced today that he is choosing Senator John Edwards of North Carolina to be his running mate.

Former 'boy friend', Representative Dick Gephart of Missouri, stunned by his announcement, stated in a press conference that Kerry "meant nothing to me, nothing"

In recent weeks the buzz had been building in the 'Kerphart' romance watch. Tabloids nationwide ran stories of the couple frolicking on the beach and playing twister with other members of the House of Representatives.

Gephart, the soft spoken Missouri native, began courting Kerry shortly after the Iowa Caucuses. In an interview done by "Elle" magazine this past March, Dick was glowing about how much he and Kerry were a perfect fit.

"We would be like two peas in a pod, we'd cuddle, it was really romantic" he said. "We had gone through Iowa together, and I dropped out (of the race) to spend time with my John"

Campaign workers for both sides across the country reacted differently to the news. Supporters of Kerry saw this as a healthy step forward for the politician. Others saw it as another reason why the Al Qaeda hate us.

"It just makes me sick to my stomach to read how them tabloids talk about how John Kerry was seen with this person and that person at some club. Just sick" said Kerry For President volunteer Sherrie Thoms. "Who cares who he dates? Isn't it just his life. Besides, doesn't 'Kerrywards' sound so much cuter?"

Republicans took a slightly different perspective on the news of the break up.

"What a fruit. Another guy kissing a guy? You gotta be kidding me? Your kidding me, right? This can't be f##### real?" said local GOP member Frank Dolton. "Just another example as to how them liberals have to push the envelope to please the far left. Next thing you know we'll have to treat people equally because they are from a different race or some sh## like that"

Kerry swaps spit
Kerry and Edwards get to second base

Political bedfellows are usually made and broken during tense campaign times. Bill Clinton, in 1992, reportedly spent three weeks at a couples retreat with Jack Kemp. Kemp claimed in his autobiography three years later that Clinton gave him a raging case of the "Critter Scratchies"

Despite reports that John Kerry may in fact be pregnant with Edwards' child, the couple is still on the 'Down Low'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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