Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: Texas, John Wayne, alamo

Saturday, 27 June 2009

image for Texas Governor Rick Perry Sells The Alamo To Mexico
Texas Governor Rick Perry before he dyed his hair black and shaved off his beard.

SAN ANTONIO - The San Antonio Daily Discloser is reporting that Texas Governor Rick Perry has just finalized a deal with the Republic of Mexico's President Nacho Winslow for the south of the border country to purchase the Alamo.

The governor said that because of the sad state of the state's economy he has been contemplating the deal for the past two months. He remarked that the sale will bring in some much needed revenue.

Perry was asked what the sale price was and he replied that the bottom line amount was $1.2 million. He said that Mexico will make payments of $20,000 a month for 60 months.

The governor added that along with the historical former church mission, Mexico will also be receiving the actual battle-scarred Texas flag that flew over the mission during the 1836, 13-day seige along with two of Davy Crockett's authentic coonskin caps.

Another item that will be included in the purchase price includes a blood-stained Jim Bowie knife with the engraved inscription which reads: To Jimmy, Thank you for the empanadas (turnovers), Love, your BFF Patty (Peachy-Poo).

Governor Perry told The San Antonio Daily Discloser that he really hated for the city of San Antonio and the state of Texas to have to part with such a genuinely historic piece of the Lone Star state, but the horrendously bad financial situation that the state finds itself in totally dictated that the sale be made.

Perry added that he was able to get a little extra cash from Mexico when he told the president of Mexico that he would be willing to also part with some of the Alamo items that are currently housed in The El Alamo Museum, which is located next to Tio and Tia's Taco Tavern across the street from the Alamo.

President Winslow was informed that the museum would be willing to sell Mexico some of the items at a reduced price. Winslow grabbed a shopping cart and he proceeded to go up and down the museum aisles.

He ended up spending an extra $650. The Mexican president, who is a big movie buff, purchased some items that had appeared in the 1959 John Wayne epic motion picture, The Alamo.

Some of the items he purchased were a pair of boxer shorts that John Wayne wore throughout the entire movie. A size 36-C brassiere that Linda Cristal wore in the famous tamale stand scene and the Hohner Harmonica that Frankie Avalon used while he wrote his big 1959 number one hit song "Venus."

President Winslow also purchased for his tio Bernardo (uncle Bernard) 27 empty bottles of Tennessee Sippin' Whiskey that Chill Wills single-handedly had emptied during the filming of the movie.

The museum curator Blanche Babblemill told President Winslow that she would also throw in Mexican General Antonio Lopez de Santa Ana's size 6 left military boot for free (gratis).

Perry stated that the Alamo will be dismantled brick by brick and that it will be loaded onto U-Haul trucks and then onto railcars for shipment via The Trans Rio Grande & Lower Pacific Railroad down to Oaxaca, Mexico, a distance of about 900 miles.

Perry said that the dismantling operation is being handled entirely by The Barbacoa Brothers Construction Company of Los Angeles.

The governor was criticized by several Texas groups for outsourcing the work to an out-of-state construction company instead of giving the lucrative contract to an in-state company. Perry defended his decision by saying that the bid that the California group submitted was by far the lowest bid.

He added that the bid was even lower than the bid submitted by The Blazing Fastball Low-Rates Construction Company of Houston which is owned by baseball hall of famer Nolan Ryan.

When the governor was asked if the fact that he has a sister who is married to one of the Barbacoa Brothers had anything to do at all with the bid awarding, the governor raised his eyebrows and said "Absolutely not! nopers! nada!"

Perry was then asked why he would choose such a highly beloved and illustriously revered state treasure such as the Alamo, instead of choosing something like the old Astrodome, the NASA Complex, The USS Texas battleship, or The King Ranch, which is the nation's largest ranch.

The Texas governor replied that a major factor in choosing the Alamo was the fact that the Spanish mission is 291 years old and it had gotten into such a horrendously disgusting state of dissaray.

He revealed that it would have cost the taxpayers of Texas at least $1 million to refurbish it. The carpet alone would have cost about $100,000.

And it was estimated that it would have cost about $50,000 to remove all of the grafitti on the Alamo walls, the restroom stalls, the three battle cannons, and the life-size statue of Mrs. Almaron Dickinson.

Meanwhile the Mexican President said proudly that it has taken 173 years but that now the Alamo will once again sit on Mexican soil.

A representative with the government agency that will oversee the day to day business operation of the Alamo said that as of now plans are for the Alamo to be reassembled in downtown Oaxaca between a Pollo Frito Kentucky (Kentucky Fried Chicken) and a McDonaldo's (McDonald's).

In other state of Texas news. The 2010 Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders unofficial calendars are now on sale. They have doubled in price from last year's calendar, but this was done in order to help pay off some of the $1 billion cost of the new Dallas Cowboys Stadium.

One little interesting change in the calendar is that 7 of the 12 months will feature cheerleaders in sensuously provacative settings as well as provacatively sensuous positons.

The calendars can be purchased at local Radio Shacks, Shell Gas Stations, Toyota Dealerships, The Evil Wicked Witch of The West Day Care Centers, and most Dairy Queens.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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