New documents found in a Mount Vernon chest prove that George Washington sucked dick. The letters were found in a chest that was tucked away in the attic of George and Martha's Mt. Vernon mansion.
Most of the 180 letters were written to John Crenshaw, a private in the regiment that General Washington crossed the Delaware with.
In one letter George Washington writes to John, who he addresses as Jboy, and says, "I was so worried about your well-being as we made our way across the river, and that you were warm enough, although as I looked back from the bow of the boat I could see that the freezing air was causing your nipples to harden and this greatly excited me and gave me the courage to fight on and win this battle."
In another letter he writes, "Martha has insisted that I get wooden teeth, but do not despair my Jboy, when I take you in my mouth I will remove them and have my lips communicate my love to you."
Robert Krispin, a prominent George Washington scholar, has authenticated the letters. "This is an amazing find! They are all in his handwriting and as I've always argued, George Washington always looked happiest when he was on a horse. Now I know why."
On his daily talk show Rush Limbaugh said, "This is ridiculous! How could the father of the good ol' USA be a faggot. Next thing you'll tell me is that Adam Lambert is a gay Jew!"