John Kerry, foiled in his attempt to outsource the vice presidency, has opted for Senator John Edwards.
A dejected Kerry spokesman admitted that first choice Slobber-Dan Milosevic was unwell, while the alternative Rentavan Karsinaditch declined the offer.
Asked why he had opted for a 'smooth-talking Southern populist', Kerry replied that he had no interest in Edwards' religious affiliation.
What had counted strongly in Edwards' favour, was that his wife Elizabeth's had attended school in Japan. Kerry felt that her knowledge of Saigon, the Tet Offensive and the Ho Chi Minh Trail could be invaluable.
In response to journalist's queries regarding a deteriorating relationship with France, Kerry advised that; "Over John Edwards dead body will I ever allow Chirac or any other European to hold America to ransom again!"
Edwards in turn supported his running mate: "May my bank manager never get up alive again, if we can't sort out Europe!"
On legalising cannabis Senator Edwards left us in no doubt that he vehently opposed it: "In this day and age, when we live in a global village, the thought that men still eat other men is quite frankly shocking!"
He was even 'firmer' on prostitution: "If we find women out there, selling their bodies, we will tie them to electric cables as part of our 'shock and awe' campaign".
"What about Clinton?"
"Obviously we can't punish people while they're doing research." said Kerry. "We might have to let him push his bill through and then consider a white paper...so he can clean up afterwards."