LONDON - Simon Cowell's 19th Hole Productions has just signed Russell Brand, Susan Boyle, and little 12-year-old Shaheen Jafargholi to go on a 61-city concert tour of the United Kingdom.
Cowell said that he first approached Brand at a London boxing match between Chippenham, England's Aaron "The Blimey Bloke" Babblemill and Mustafa "The Camel Crusher" Simsolsaeed from Cairo, Egypt.
Cowell said that Brand was somewhat upset because he had bet on Sisolsaeed and Babblemill knocked him out in the first round.
Russell asked Cowell if he could appear on next year's edtion of American Idol. Cowell laughed and said no because he was overage, overweight, and overugly. Brand laughed and said that, that was only one out of three.
Cowell raisied his British eyebrows and said, "No Rusty, that's actually three out of three, and you also can't count worth a darn. Damnit boy, who the hell does your counting for you, your mum?"
Brand answered that it was actually his mum's mum.
"Lady Charisma of Chichester?"
"The one and only."
Cowell told him that he wanted for him to go on tour with Boyle and Jafargholi. He said that he would be the opening act and that Jafargholi would go on second and Boyle would close out the show.
Russell quickly agreed saying that he is a fan of both the boy and the Boyle.
"And don't you be thinking for one moment that you'll be getting into Susan's knickers Mr. Brand." Cowell remarked.
"No way mate. She's a bit on the Margaret Thatcher side for the likes of this nasty bloke."
"My thoughts and sentiments exactly." Cowell then told him that he had decided to call the tour, "The Three United Kingdomers In Search of Oodles and Oodles of Pounds."
Brand remarked to Cowell that he really and truly felt that the Susan Boyle story was a refreshing one.
"Indeed." Cowell replied. "Here is a wonderful Scottish woman of 48, who until recently was a homemaker, but who decided that after 20 years of building houses she would try to see if she could make a living using her vocal chords.
And 12-year-old Shaheen Jafargholi is a young lad from Wales who at the tender age of just 2 months could already sing songs like "Here Comes The Sun" by The Beatles, "Get Off Of My Cloud," by The Rolling Stones, and "I Know A Place" by Petula Clark.
The Simon Cowell produced tour will kick off on July 9, in Wolverhampton's Englebert Humperdinck Center and end on September 9, in The James Bond Coliseum in Wightwizzle.
Meanwhile in news around the world. Iceland has cancelled their planned invasion of North Korea. A high ranking government spokesperson said that they have misplaced the canoe paddles.