Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 24 June 2009

image for Adam Lambert Buys The San Diego Chargers
The Los Angeles Laker fans buring down the Staples Center in celebration of the Laker Championship.

SAN DIEGO - American Idol's Adam Lambert has just finalized a deal to purchase the National Football League's San Diego Chargers.

Adam said that he remembers watching his favorite player Dan Fouts quarterbacking the Chargers when he was a little boy growing up in San Diego. And he adds that now owning a team with over 50 big sweaty guys on it is truly his dream come true.

When Lambert was asked how he could afford to purchase an NFL team such as the Chargers he replied that he has 72 credit cards plus he has already been given a tremendous advance on his singing contract as well as 10 percent ownership in the American Idol show.

Adam added that so far the sales of Adam Lambert Bobblehead Dolls, Adam Lambert Trading Cards, Adam Lambert Black Magic Fingernail Polish, and Macy's Adam Lambert Life-Size Blowup Dolls have been unbelievable.

Lambert's manager, Spruce Hornpipe said that he read in The San Francisco Scrutinizer Sun that the sale of Adam's Life-Size Blowup Doll had already surpassed the 3 million mark in the Greater San Francisco area alone.

The San Diego native said that he was lucky to have been able to convince American Idol judges Simon "Mr. T-Shirt" Cowell, Paula "Touchdown" Abdul, Randy "The Dawg" Jackson , and Kara "Lips of Love" DioGuardi to lend him some money for his San Diego Chargers project.

Ryan Seacrest could not lend him any money because he spent a lot of it last month when he purchased the NFL Atlanta Falcons.

Adam gushed with pride when he confessed that he had also spoken with a new-found group of friends who agreed to lend him whatever amount of money he needed to complete his purchase of the Chargers.

The group includes Elton John, Lance Bass, George Michael, Clay Aiken, Chippy Klickety, and Melissa Etheridge. (EDITOR'S NOTE: Chippy Klickety is not as well known as the others in the group, but he is the individual who has made millions with his Bearded Taco Glitter invention).

Adam said that he recently met one of his idol's Celine Dion at a charity event which was held at the Danny Bonaduce Convention Center and Wrestling Arena in Oxnard.

The event which was tri-hosted by Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie O'Donnell, and Melissa Etheridge was held to benefit celebrities who have stopped ovulating.

Adam said that he was thrilled to have Celine ask him for his autograph. She then gave him a bottle of Virgin Cherry Red Nail Polish, some Cover Girl Eyeliner, Maybelline Mascara, $4,000 in cash, and her private cell phone number that only her husband, Tatiana Del Toro, and President Obama have.

Adam said that he was so jubilantly fluttered and euphorically tickled that he started bobbing back and forth. Luckily for him Ryan Seacrest saw him and he was able to catch him just before he hit the floor.

In other news coming out of California. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has said that the cost of the riots (SEE PHOTO ABOVE) by the Los Angeles Laker fans has so far reached $3.6 million.

The governor stated that he is going to have to insist that the next time the Lakers win a championship he would appreciate it if everyone would just get in their friggin' cars and trucks and drive down to Tijuana, Mexico and riot over there.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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