In a surprise announcement today, former first lady Nancy Reagan announced her summer plans to marry Rick Allen, the one-armed drummer from the annoying band Def Leppard. Reagan and Allen met five years ago when Nancy showed up at a Def Leppard concert, thinking she was going to a benefit to raise money for hearing-impaired big cats.
"I know we look like total opposites, me being a frail old lady with two arms," Nancy said. "But the gimper and I are truly in love."
"People may think it is too soon for me to marry," she said, "but they need to remember that Ronnie has been busy chasing death for years, putting our ‘quality time' on hold."
"Yeah, she's old," said Allen from his band's current tour-bus, the Greyhound Bus #32 westbound to Akron, Ohio. "But she is full of spunk. I really got my hand full."
After the August 21 ceremony, Reagan plans to travel with the band until they finally realize that nobody likes them anymore. Due to the wedding, Def Leppard will have to cancel both of their August concerts: at the Beaver County Fair in Montana and at Steven Herbenstein's bar mitzvah in Westchester, N.Y.