US Secretary of the Ridiculous, Mrs Hillary Clinton, was today recovering in hospital after being shot in the elbow by a sniper in Washington DC. Speaking from the city's Count von Frankenstein Memorial Hospital, she bravely put on a smile - no mean feat, given all her plastic surgery - and said:
'Man, it was dangerous! One minute we had all left our limousines near the White House's front door, and were starting to go into the building to meet Angelina Jolie for tea, the next I saw a lone sniper on the roof with a sign saying 'SNIPER' on his head. 'Duck!' I shouted, grabbing the nearest available Senator to marry to further my career, and down we all went, but not before a bullet struck my elbow!
'Cover me!', I shouted to Angelina, who had run out to see what was going on, and she started spraying the roof with an Uzi 9mm, and despite my wound I rolled towards one of the windows and threw a gas canister into the building. Then we all ran up the stairs and confronted the sniper, who had thrown his 'SNIPER' sign onto the floor, and hot dang y'all if it wasn't actually my husband Bill!
''Hi, honey', he said, 'thought I'd give you some feeble, cheap publicity, as you've never done anything in your life yet that warrants appearing in the news', and I was so grateful to him that I nearly rang up Monika and asked her over for another threesome.
But next thing the Secret Service were rushing me to the Frankenstein Hospital, telling me 'You must come with us immediately, Your Ridiculousness, as the entire United States needs you', and we raced through the streets of Washington, my guards keeping their eyes open for any Stuka dive bombers or Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles, and -'
'Time for your medications, Mrs Clinton. Then you must get some rest.' 'But -' 'The doctor will see you in the morning, now try and get some sleep.' 'But the sniper! The sniper!' 'There's no sniper, Mrs Clinton.' 'But what about Mount Everest and Edmund Hitlery?'
'You're feeling sleepy now, the medications are taking effect.' 'But America rules Vietnam and Germany, and won two World Wars, and Monika ... and Monica Seles ...', and the Secretary of the Ridiculous fell fast asleep, to the relief of all the medical staff.
'At least the patient's delusions are getting better', the doctor said to his nurse, 'last month she thought she was a world leader, flying round the planet sorting out all the great problems facing mankind, hahahaha! Believing she's being shot at by snipers is a return to her milder schizophrenic ramblings, soon she may start realising she's just a harmless nutcase that married a famous man, and we can discharge her from this mental asylum. Who's the next patient, nurse?'
'Funny you should mention a deluded nutcase, doctor, we have another one here, one that's also been flying round the world and believing they're sorting out the planet. He's called Barack Obama.' 'Show him in.' 'He's wearing a glass cubicle, doctor.' 'Get him into surgery, we'll need another egotomy and delusional bypass operation.'
'People of America', came from inside the cubicle, 'we have, I feel, and can only surmise, that - in essence - if we -' 'Get him sedated, nurse, we've no time to lose!'