WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A spokesman for the CIA said today that the agency is ready to admit it knew nothing about anything, no less weapons of mass destruction and the possibility of a Sept. 11 attack on the U.S.
At an ad-hoc press conference, P. Miles Undercard, a working CIA top official, said, "I guess the jig is up. For years we have been so secretive about everything because if we weren't then we would reveal the fact that we know nothing about anything and never have.
"Our millions of folders are pretty much filled with made-up documents and our agents never actually left the CIA building much.
"We are sorry for the charade, especially since it was such a good living for a lot of people. But that's that."
Mr. Undercard said that a full report of one piece of paper, with double-spaced text, would be presented to the President as an apology.
There was no comment from the White House, but former President Bill Clinton said, "I always thought there was something fishy about that place."
P. Miles Undercard said he decided to come clean with the truth behind the agency because "lives could be at stake." He also admitted that the CIA never had an agent that inspired the character Matt Helm.