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Thursday, 18 June 2009

image for Chaz Bono, Matthew McConaughey Sighted Jogging Shirtless in Brentwood
"They went THAT way."

LOS ANGELES, CA - Sonny and Cher's sexually shape-shifting son and the Big Screen's brawny but brainless beef broker were spotted jogging along San Vicente Blvd near the Brentwood Country Club this morning, very sweaty and very bare-chested.

Though many are astounded at the unlikely pairing, a publicist for McConaughey told The San Francisco Onion the two are "just havin' some guy time. You know, a couple of hard-ons, sure, but not for each other."

He explained that, "Matt says Chaz still hurts because he never had the support of his father, Sonny, and because he lost his life partner to a terrible disease," adding that McConaughey believes "a little old-fashioned exercise is all Chaz really needs. 'No computer, no gadget, no trickery,' as he likes to say."

Bono and McConaughey jogged about three miles to the Pacific Ocean, where they rested for twenty minutes or so, chatting and laughing with absolutely no shirts on before picking up some litter and heading back the way they came.

On the return trip, photographers captured images of the two being heckled by some passers-by. McConaughey reportedly explained to one of them that "life is a series of commas, not periods," indicating that Bono is "just more of a 'comma' kind of guy now, that's all."

A shirtless Bono, who is currently in the final stages of a gender transition, also b*tch-slapped one of the hecklers when he made an innuendo involving the number "sixty-nine," the same year both Bono and McConaughey were born. Bono even shoved bare-chested McConaughey to the ground when the surprised "actor" tried to diffuse the situation.

Though Bono declined an invitation to comment on the pairing some have dubbed "The Even Odder Couple," McConaughey brushed off any suggestion the two might be involved in a "bromance." In fact, said the Hollywood half-wit, terms like that "are so restrictive! We just understand each other, alright, alright, alright? It doesn't have to be anything besides that."

He paused, gazing dreamily upward as he absent-mindedly ran a finger down the middle of his chest, adding, "Maybe me being nude all the time is why we get along."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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