Los Angeles, CA - A rottweiler belonging to a part-time Beverly Hills pool cleaner and illegal alien, Alberta Quinones, has adopted former Tonight Show host, Jay Leno.
"My dog Murphy," said Quinones, "..is very protective. Once a little child tried to get into my house uninvited and the dog bit it's head off. He is very loving."
According to Quinones, Murphy spotted Jay Leno walking down Sunset Boulevard alone one evening and could sense that the former comedian had been abandoned.
"My dog took one look at Mr. Leno and sensed that he had been abandoned," recounted Ms. Quinones. "He picked Mr. Leno up by the scruff of his neck and brought him back to my house where I have been feeding him a steady diet of enchiladas, quesadillas and Chupacabras Pale Ale. Murphy takes care of Mr. Leno's hygiene. He gives Mr. Leno a lick down thrice daily."
Although Mr. Leno tried to activily resist the dog's attempts at adopting him, he soon relented.
"Look," said Leno, "...the dog has a massive jaw. If I had resisted, his teeth might have severed my carotid artery and I wouldn't be talking to you right now. Besides, the food's not bad and there's not much difference between the lick down and my own masseuse, except the lick down doesn't cost me $500 a shot."
Mr. Leno's agent, Mr. Latrine, has stated that he is trying to secure his release through legal means. "It shouldn't be too hard to do and I need Leno to be out on the road, if only to cover my gambling debts."
News of Mr. Leno's adoption/captivity eventually reached the governor, Arnold Schwarzenneger. "If a private citizen wants to be adopted by a dog, there's not much the government can, or should, do. But if you're concerned, I'll send over a SWAT team and we'll have him out by dinnertime. I haven't got anything on my calendar today and this might be fun."
On contacting Mr. Leno to confirm his imminent rescue, Mr. Leno replied, cryptically with, "...On a dark desert highway. Cool wind in my hair. Warm smell of colitas, rising through the air."