Boston MA -- Senator Teddie Kennedy was pronounced free of brain cancer today by his doctors. The tumor is completely gone and the senator can now resume his non-stop debauchery and whore-mongering. Doctors were amazed at his progress and believe a new cancer cure--or maybe an old one-- has been discovered.
Senator Teddie followed an old Irish remedy to cure his ills. He drank whiskey non-stop for an entire year. The Kennedy family still has thousands of crates of old Canadian whiskey from the 1920's. The senator's father made millions running alcohol during Prohibition. Teddie drank ten bottles a day of the old brew for his unique cure.
Doctors measured Senator Teddie's blood and found it to be 90 proof. They have advised him to stay away from open flames. They didn't bother to tell him not to drive--they didn't want to go there.
Senator Teddie Kennedy is excited about his prognosis and is planning a wonderful Summer filled with debauchery and perversion. This July 19 marks the fortieth anniversary of Chappaquiddick and the senator plans a big party. Any young woman between the ages of 18 and 19 is invited to attend, as long as she is a good swimmer. Willowy blondes with short hair named Mary Jo are especially welcome!