Blubberbutt, Florida: Mrs. Junie Raymond of Blubberbutt would like the southeastern states of the U.S. to know that the entire area is now under a red alert.
"You should go inside until the wind changes", declared Mrs Raymond to reporter Ima Goner. "We have just finished our family reunion and, wouldn't you know it, every single family brought baked beans. Not only that, but probably the best doggone baked beans any of us ever had."
"You see, every year we all compete on one item, last year it was coleslaw, and I had completely forgotten that this year it was baked beans."
"The farts have already brought us all indoors or in the ocean because the wind in blowing the nauseous fumes towards land. We've already had thirteen members of the family taken to the hospital in Tampa and Great Uncle Nabob died right there in his hammock."
"I realize this is our fault but really, it was an honest mistake."
Reporter Booby McGee of the St. Pete Gator reported that the fumes had hit her as she crossed the bridge but cleared out just in time.
"I almost passed out at the wheel", McGee told Tampa Bay reporter Ima Goner. "We had only just received the code red thing and thought it was a terrorist situation in St. Pete but apparently it was the Blubberbutt reunion and their neighbors who drifted in, claiming THEY had the best baked bean recipe until the whole thing got out of hand and two hours later, the Code Red went out."
Goner, who didn't write anything down or even answer because she had died, did manage to send in her report before McGee arrived.
Meanwhile a Code Orange had gone out all the way to Birmingham, Alabama and those who had emphysema were told to stay indoors.
"I have made the coast", called in McGee. "And I have good news. The wind has changed and is now blowing out to sea. WHOA!!!!!"
"Looks like somebody lit a match in the Raymond house. Will be reporting in later..but the entire house has been leveled. I've never seen anything like this! The Humanity!
The Hershey Splurts Humanity!!