WASHINGTON - It seems the economic crisis is even farther-reaching than previously thought. Among the hardest-hit sectors are the auto industry, the housing market, and now -the international drug trade.
According to a survey of over a dozen dark alleys in about as many west side hoods, street cannabis deals are at record lows. Grow-ops are dwindling and many crackhouses are facing foreclosure, leaving dealers and their stash with no place to go.
"It's difficult," said a hooded figure who referred to himself as Uncle Sal. "Just last week my meth lab was confiscated." After looking cautiously from side to side he added, "Would you like some apple jacks?"
It is apparent that the situation in the drug trade is desperate and the prognosis glum. Officials estimate that neither the market nor the consumers will experience any highs for at least another four years.
The crisis has also affected the tourism industry, and latest figures show that travel across the Mexican border has decreased dramatically. Incumbent Secretary of State Hillary Clinton explains that after more and more consumers opt for homegrown, "Mexican drug mules have lost the incentive to climb over."
"We also need to prepare for a possible flux of illegal aliens wishing to return to their home state in search of better income opportunities," added Clinton. "Soon Mexico will have a better motive to build the wall."
In response, the United States Marijuana Party (abbreviated USMJP) is offering a stimulant package it hopes will allow druggies all over the country to once more boot the gong with Mary Jane - and still afford to pop some racehorse charlies.
Every aspect of the proposal was meticulously planned during a meeting last week, in which two of the party's highest-ranking officials gathered in their friend's basement.
"Don't worry, we have it all covered," consoled an attendee on his way into the house. As he took a six-pack out of his trunk he added, "we have years of practical experience."
Even though yesterday's live address from USMJP headquarters was given late at night and often interrupted by loud music and scantily clad females stating their desire to procreate, the gist was clearer in a press release delivered after the hangover.
If passed, the bill will cost no more than "a kilo of the finest shit" and feature a straightforward spending mechanism. Approximately a third of the budget will go towards improving the flow of stimulants within the market, another for the demolition of rehab clinics, and the third into research on the cerebral effects of "pretty colors."
Even though the party has absolutely no influence on the government, it hopes that President Barack Obama, and occasional smoker himself, will sympathize and reach out to Republicans for a truly two-sided vote, "unlike what happened last time."
"There is nothing more bipartisan than dopamine," a member claimed. "And Obama, he's a cool guy. He's even given us a pet name - 'Would somebody get security, please?'"
It should be noted that the crisis is only in its initial phases and has not yet affected everyone. When asked to elaborate, Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps said "get the f*** out of my face."