Written by Andy Lam
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Topics: Dick Cheney

Tuesday, 6 July 2004

Washington - In a fresh example of his failure to gauge the national mood, Vice President Dick Cheney discussed a memorable bowel movement for nearly three minutes during a recent airing of "Meet the Press." A stunned Tim Russert stared - his mouth agape - as the story unfolded.

"I'll tell you Tim," began the Vice President - apropos to nothing, "I laid a turd the other day that had to be seen to be believed. In fact, it was the biggest turd I've ever seen - let alone produced. I really wish I'd had my camera with me - if you could have seen it your eyes would have just about bugged right out of your head.

"I mean the girth was as big as my forearm," continued the Vice President - who then rolled up his right sleeve to provide a visual aid, "And the length [at this point Mr. Cheney gave a low whistle and arched his eyebrows] - there must have been two feet or three feet coiled up in the bowl.

"You see a thing like that and you can't help feel proud - do you know what I mean? As I stood there admiring it, I tried to figure out what I had eaten that could have created this monster, but nothing special came to mind. Of course when it was finally time to say good-bye, that was when the real fun began"

Mr. Russert had by this point managed to regain his composure and instructed to control room to cut to commercials. The viewing public was cut off from sharing this special moment with Mr. Cheney at the point be had started to unbutton his shirt cuff. A thoughtful production assistant provided the remainder of the transcript for public dissemination through other means.

"I gave the toilet a flush, but the thing just sat there - barely moving at all," said Mr. Cheney, screwing up his face to demonstrate the frustration he must have felt. "I looked under the sink to see if there was a plunger or something, but I guess you could say I was ?SOL'. I ended up having to head into the suite and breaking one of the nice wooden hangers they had in there. [The Vice President was apparently traveling when the incident he described occurred.]

"It took more than a few tries, believe you me, but in the contest of man versus manure, I came out of top. I really wish you could have been there Tim, you would have been really stunned."

Mr. Russert assured the Vice President that he was already stunned and requested that Mr. Chaney refrain from continuing this story when they returned from the commercial break. The Vice President - who assumed he had been live while telling his story was clearly irked but agreed.

When the program began again, rather then discussing his king-sized turd, Mr. Cheney began a long reminiscence of an erection he had once had in high school.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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