Written by Frank Cotolo
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Monday, 5 July 2004

image for Platform calls for Nader resigning... or else
Ralph Nader in his car.

WASHINGTON -- The 2004 Democratic platform to be presented to the party's convention in July calls for a wholesale rewriting of President Bush's national security strategy, promises a focus on preventing nuclear terrorism and calls for bribing Ralph Nader to quit his campaign.

Almost the entire first half of the draft is devoted to national security and then twice as much space goes to the Nader issue.

The platform's authors say that the document must recognize that Senator John Kerry will have a hard time winning if Nader wastes a lot of votes that would have been anti-Bush votes.

"The Democratic party is willing to pay Mr. Nader anything to quit," said a new platform writer named, simply, Vito. "We want him out so we don't have to worry about the spoil factor. In fact, Mr. Nader should start to worry about it, too, if he likes using his fingers."

Polls indicate that Nader votes will hurt Mr. Kerry, not Mr. Bush, as they hurt Mr. Gore and not Mr. Bush in 2000.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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