Washington, DC - The office of Homeland Security issues the following directive to states bordering on Canada.
FACT: Geese originating from Canada caused the near disaster of flight US Airways 1549.
FACT: The border of Canada and the U.S. is porous; their is no incentive for our Canadian neighbors to prevent their wildlife from entering the United States unhindered. In particular, there is no established act in law requiring Canada Geese to carry passports, nor any other form of identification other than the feathers on their backs.
In response Homeland Security has issued an immediate orange alert against Canada Geese crossing the border from Canada into Maine. All able-bodied men are asked to pick up weapons from the closest local armory and begin a vigilant patrol of the border with an aim at preventing further incursions into American airspace by Canada geese. The active order is 'shoot to kill'.
Anyone found 'aiding and abetting' the enemy shall be deemed a 'traitor' according to Homeland Security department officials. All suspicious activity witnessed between locals and Canada Geese should be reported to the nearest office of Homeland Security.
Suspicious activity shall include but not be limited to the following:
- Feeding Canada Geese for recreation, personal photographs, tourist shots, etc.
- Walking Canada Geese with the use of collar and leash
- Conversing with Canada Geese in any form, whether it be by using established conventions of human language or by using clucking, chirping, or sucking noises; language hertofor interpreted as 'Geese talk'.
Also, please consider the following instructions:
- Please be aware that the only interaction between Canada Geese and Americans officially sanctioned should entail the use of a firearm; preferably against the Canada Geese.
- Particularly troublesome Canada Geese individuals may warrant a photo posting of their portraits in local post offices and perhaps an episode on 'America's Most Wanted'.
- Should a community find a sudden influx of Canada Geese in formation, a use of the Emergency Alert System may be warranted. Contact your local municipal authorities for further instruction. The 'Emergency Warning System' shall us local media; radio, t.v., etc. for dispersion of critical announcements.
Any Canada Geese killed through this program shall be deemed the property of the local community and allocated to be used for Sunday potluck dinner at the community center.