BALTIMORE - In a move right out of Romancing The Stone, Frost Nixon, and The Titanic, Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin waltzed right into the Orioles Nest Hotel's Brooks Robinson Convention Room and literally stole the show at the GOP Fundraising Dinner.
The evening's co-hosts Senator John McCain and his lovely Barbiesque 55-year-old wife Cindy were thoroughly and completely upstaged.
In fact, at one point, Senator McCain was actually heard to mutter to Bill O'Reilly to talk to Palin and tell her to sit her moose-blasting ass down.
O'Reilly said that he was embarrassed to do that but he would get Sean Hannity, who is not the least bit shy to give the northern wilderness governor the message.
A doctor who treated Hannity at the scene said that there were no broken bones and that the swelling should go away in 48 hours. He added that the bruising should be completely gone within five days.
The governor of the frozen state of Alaska was only supposed to speak for ten minutes but she ended up speaking, or more accurately yapping, for one hour and fifteen minutes. Cindy McCain actually timed her with her $37,000 Lady Godiva Rolex Watch.
The other scheduled speakers were Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Michael Huckleberry, ah Huckabee, gosh how quickly we forget, and the slim, trim, and prim Ann "I Hate All Things Not Republican" Coulter.
Palin was introduced and she walked up to the podium wearing camouflage pants, shirt, boots, and underwear. She said that she had just come off of a three-day moose hunt north of The Gates of The Arctic National Park and Preserve and she had not really had time to breathe much less change all of her camouflage shit (her words).
She started off by saying that it sure was nice to be back in the Lower 48. She said she kind of has missed all of the bickering, hollering, whining, and backstabbing. And that was just in the McCain household.
Cindy laughed. John did not. He turned to Hannity and mumbled that he had spent five and a half years in a North Vietnamese POW Prison Camp. Hannity smiled politely.
Palin then said that she noticed that some of the GOP boys had put on some weight. She turned to (Rush) Limbaugh and said "Hey Rush is that a gigantic beanbag on your belly or are you just happy as the dickens to see me?"
Rush laughed. McCain again turned to Hannity and said that he had spent seven and a half years as a POW in North Vietnam. Hannity again smiled politely.
"Snowflake" Sarah then said that her alter ego Tina Fey wanted to be here but she said that she's allergic to Republicans.
She then said that she never liked Tina's impression of her anyway. She said that she did love Katie Couric's impression as well as Wolf Blitzer's.
She said that Wolf really had her shrilled Arctic voice, her wilderness mannerisms, and even her hacking Kodiak cough down perfect. She laughed and said, "Ya know Mr. Blitzen (sic) even has the same exact looking nose hairs as I do."
Wilderness Woman then told the assembled GOP crowd that her husband Toddy, or as she calls him Todd, told her to let everyone know that he couldn't be here due to prior commitments.
She said that actually he had to choose between being around Gingrich, Limbaugh, and Coulter or being around smelly rancid reindeer, stinking stenchy caribou, and nauseating malodorous moose...and the animals (the four-legged ones) won out.
Palin then singled out Ann Coulter and asked her if it was true that her doo dahs were inverted.
Ann hollered back that they weren't but that she had heard that "Parka" Palin is such a hunting stud that when she's out in the wilderness stalking reindeer that she actually pees standing up.
"Shotgun" Sarah shot back, "That's right you skinny little tongue depressor-looking Salem witch I do pee standing up and for those of you who don't believe me you can go see the video on YouTube."
"Salem witch? Well I'd rather be a Salem witch than a Wasilla witch."
"Well Wasilla this you palomino-faced baseball bat!"
Suddenly Senator John McCain hollered out, "My friends, my dear somewhat feminine female friends please remember that you are GOP ladies.
And GOP ladies like my beautifully delicious Cindy, who by the way spent eight and a half years in a North Vietnamese POW camp, always behave like dignified, refined, esteemed, upper-class, superior members of the opposite sex like George Bush' former receptionist Condiments Rice.
Hannity closed his eyes and you could hear him mouthing the words, 'somebody please hit me over the head with a salad bowl.'
Then Coulter said to Palin, that John was right and that they really should not be fighting amongst themselves because the are afterall the female hope of the GOP.
Coulter then added that both she and Palin even though one shoots a high-powered telescopic rifle and the other shoots her mouth both have the same inherent Grand Old Party traits and characteristics such as self-pride, narcissism, smugness, chutspah, braggadocio, and pomposity.
Senator McCain turned to Rush Limbaugh and said that he wasn't quite sure he understood all of those words, but he did know that he had spent 12 years in Andersonville Prison as a POW back during the American Civil War.
Limbaugh told McCain to sit down and shut up before he makes a complete and total fool of himself like Coulter and Palin had already done. Cindy whispered to Hannity that it was too late.
Hannity stood up, and you could see tears in his eyes as he ran off to the bathroom muttering to himself, "Damnit, I sure do miss my little buddy Alan Colmes."
In other news. Neil Young has announced that he will be running for Prime Minister of Canada. Fellow bandmate David Crosby reportedly told a Canadian reporter to tell the Canadian voters not to elect him because he won't show up.