HOLLYWOOD - Clint Eastwood has just announced that he will be directing Lindsay Lohan and Katrina Darrell aka "Bikini Girl" in the Amaretto Monteverdi production of The Lolitas
The film is based on the story by Danielle Sweetwater. The original movie which was actually entitled Las Lolitas came out in 1968 and starred Jane Fonda in the role of "Bubbles" Montague and Ann Magret in the role of "Bubbles" Landetta.
Lindsay Lohan will assume the role played by Jane Fonda and Kat will be playing the part that Ann Magret played.
The movie is set during World War II in The House of Deep Blue Lights Bordello on Bourbon Street in New Orleans.
The house of ill-repute is run by Haddy May Middleditch who will be played by Wynonna Judd. Her husband Corporal Byron Middleditch, played by Billy Bob Thornton speaks perfect Japanese and is serving with the famed 99th Louisiana Infantry Regiment which is based on the unknown Pacific island of Iwo Jima.
Corporal Middleditch's duties include shooting Japanese soldiers, planting hedges, and making charcoal drawings of the Iwo Jima sky.
He is also the regiment's chief pastry cook which means he is in charge of baking all of the cookies, biscuits, muffins, and wedding cakes.
While her husband is off fighting the Japanese and baking tamales (tamales) for the G.I.'s, Haddy May is home fighting the drunks, derelicts, ne'er-do-wells, vagrants, gutterpups, and transients.
Middleditch has a roster of over 70 girls, 43 of which have the middle name Belle. The girls come in all sizes, shapes, colors, ethnic backgrounds, and political affiliations.
The twin Bubbles played by Lindsay Lohan and Katrina Darrell soon become the two most popular floozies in the whole cathouse. The reason that the two become so popular is because both possess certain amazingly erotic talents.
Montague (Lohan) can hang from the chandelier and perform any kind of sex act known to man while holding a glass of Singapore Sling in her right hand.
And Landetta ("Bikini Girl") can French Kiss better than Brigitte Bardot, Catherine Deneuve, and Joan of Arc all put together.
The two Bubbles become so popular that men from as far away away as Mobile, Alabama and Topeka, Kansas make a weekly trek and come a-callin'.
1940's New Orleans had over 50 houses of ill repute, but Haddy May's House of Deep Blue Lights Bordello was considered to be the very best not only in New Orleans, but in the entire south as well. Good Housekeeping Magazine even gave it a five-star rating.
A lot of clients attributed Deep Blue's popularity to the fact that Haddy had some very strict rules, quidelines, and regulations when it came to her girls. For one, she insisted that the girls bathe on a daily basis, whether they felt that they needed to or not.
Haddy also made it a habit to never hire a girl who had a tattoo (EDITOR'S NOTE: Of course back then, it was virtually unheard of for a woman to have a tattoo, and only the most hardcore of whores had them and then it was a little flower the size of a dime which was on an extremely intimate part of her body, that no one but a 'customer' would ever see...boy oh boy have things changed).
Another one of Haddy's requirements was that her 'Girls' had to absolutely keep their underarm hair neatly trimmed at all times. No exceptions!
Film director Clint Eastwood asked several of his friends to appear in cameo roles as 'Customers' of the brothel and everyone of them agreed.
So appearing in The Lolitas as paying clients will be Brad Pitt, Jack Nicholson, Matthew McConaughey, Bill O'Reilly, Woody Allen, and Rush Limbaugh.
(EDITOR'S NOTE: Rush Limbaugh plays the part of Elroy Bob Shirtbox, a 400 pound fried okra truck driver from Broken Arrow, Oklahoma. Eastwood said that both Limbaugh and O'Reilly tested so good in the preliminary screen tests that there is talk that they may be offered their own sit-com spinoff ala the likes of the "Dukes of Hazzard" to be called the "Dorks of Des Moines.".)