After admitting that she still sees her dead husband before going to sleep, ex-first lady, Nancy Reagan, admitted that many of her husband's decisions were astrology based.
"He wouldn't go the john without first checking the alignment of the planets." In her pursuit of profound and accurate guidance she turned to Britain's tubby star-gazer, Russel Grant.
"He was awesome," says Nancy, "he was happy to work for pizza and pumpkin pie." When asked if why she chose Grant she replied: "Them skinny half-assed guys ain't worth a dime in my book. We took him seriously. In fact he was pretty anxious that we nuke San Antonio, Texas as a defence measure. Damn me if Ronnie wasn't seconds away from wiping out the whole goddamn place before he realised he only had to ask the CIA to carry out a whack job on Jerry "slim" Sanders, the owner of the Crippled Crab café who called Russel a porky, Limey, shirt-lifter. It was probably better that way. You know when Ronnie and I thought about the possibility of how close we came to causing all-out nuclear war, well, we just had to laugh."
Russel Grant fell from favour after appearing regularly on Good Morning America and famously advising all Aquarians to 'keep a watch on their love interests, be prudent with their savings and set fire to a well known bar in San Antonio'.
In a White House statement, Michelle Obama was quick to distance herself from the rumour that she too takes advice from has-been, corpulent British astrologers:
"Hell no! We have a team of top political advisers graduating from the Ivy league. We also think that Marjorie Proops is the cat's ass."