Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 1 June 2009

image for The Winners of "DWTS" "AI" and "BGT" Owe It All To Arkansas
Some Arkansas high school boys just having fun at their prom whose theme was "A Night of Blasting Squirrels."

ARKADELPHIA, Arkansas - Once again the little anvil-looking state of Arkansas has shown everyone that its citizens are all definitely 'Team Players,' who not only vote, but vote over, and over, and, over employing their patented Arkansas Power-Voting Ploy.

The word Arkansas is an old Algonquin Indian name which means, "Okay whoever the heck took my grits better put the suckers back real quick."

A few weeks ago the state helped its native son Kris Allen defeat the California Kid, Adam Lambert to capture The American Idol championship trophy, $1 million, a double-wide trailer, and a life-time supply of General Stonewall Jackson's Lip-Smackin' Good Ole Boy Cornbread Mix.

Before that the Arkansas voting machine also known affectionately as "The Ozark Mafia" helped the little underdog Shawn Johnson totally upset the two odds-on favorites Gilles Marini aka The French Kisser and Melissa Rycroft, aka The Dallas Cowboy Kicker.

The 17-year-old Olympic gold medalist Johnson is actually from Iowa, but Iowa is two states up from Arkansas. And little Shawn has visited Arkansas once back in 1999, when as a seven-year-old she went on a field trip to Hot Springs with her first grade class to The Tornado Alley Museum of Midwest Twisters, Dust Devils, and Damn Tornadoes.

The museum is located in downtown Hot Springs next door to Bubba's Redneck-of-the-Woods Bar & Grill, home of the best Okra-Flavored Possum Stew in all of Dixie.

And now the united citizens of Arkansas who once helped another native son, Glen Campbell sell over 13 million copies of such "City Themed" songs as "By The Time I Get To Phoenix," "Wichita Lineman," "Galveston," "Chattanooga Choo Choo," and "Kalamazoo Zookeeper," have largely helped to select Diversity as the winner of Britain's Got Talent.

Susan Boyle, the 48-year-old singing sensation from Scotland, who revealed that she had never been kissed was favored by many to be crowned the winner.

The little English lass from Lancashire Hollie Steel who looks like a munchkin-version of Julie Andrews and who sang exactly like her biological grandmother (Julie Andrews) was also favored by many as was the young Welsh wonderboy Shaheen Jafargholi.

But literally everyone was surprised and more accurately shocked when a male dance troupe named Diversity was named the winners of the 2009 edition of Britain's Got Talent.

And the reason that Diversity won was because of the concerted voting effort of the "Ozark Mafia," who reportedly was responible for almost 70 percent of the total votes cast.

Susan Boyle called the Arkansas votes a crock of (blank), Shaheen Jafargholi said Ozarkers were full of (blank), and Hollie Steel said that the hicks from the sticks could all line up single file and kiss her (blank)ing tutu.

BGT judges Piers Morgan was totally shocked at the bitter comments. Amanda Holden was completely shocked at the ignorant remarks. And Simon Cowell, the show's judge and owner asked, "Where the hell is Arkansas?"

By now the audience was totally in disarray and they began booing and wadding up their programs and throwing them towards the stage.

One bloke from Nine Elms lit one of the seat cushions on fire. He was quickly grabbed by Piers who held him while Amanda kicked him in his dangling participle.

Simon, with the quintessential puzzled look on his face turned to co-hosts Ant and Dec and asked, "What did the blimey bloke say to deserve that?"

When told that he really didn't say anything but just merely lit the seat cushion on fire, Simon quickly yelled, "Kick the son-of-a-biscuit from his crumpets to his cockney and be sure and send the Brit twit a friggin' itemized bill."

SIDENOTE: The Arkadelphia Ozark Observer is reporting that effective 12:01 a.m. tonight, the Arkansas state motto will be officially changed from 'The Land of Oppurtunity' to 'The Land of The Opportunistic Proud Ozark Hillbillies Voting Bloc - Together We Can Certainly Make One Big Damn Hell of A Razorback Difference.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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