PYONGYANG, North Korea - North Korean Leader Kim Jong Il has just announced that effective at 12:01 am Cleveland time, he will be officially entering a declaration of war against China, Russia, and Japan.
Kim Jong Il told CNN's Anderson Cooper that he is sick and tired of being pushed around by the likes of bullies like China, Russia, and Japan.
He angrily said that no one, not China's Hu Jintao, nor Japan's Akihito, or Russia's Vladimir Putin, nor even Iceland's openly gay Johanna Siguroardottir is going to tell him when and where he can fire his damn friggin' missiles.
He said he paid for his missiles with his hard earned money which has recently been dwindling like heck because of the recessed rice market.
King Jong Il confessed to Cooper that even the damn chopstick sales have fallen off by as much as 85 percent. He shook his head and asked, "Tell me Mr. Blue Eyes what are your people using to eat their rice?...forks or what?
Cooper replied that yes, as far as he knows most all American's eat their rice and other food products with forks.
The North Korean leader then said that it was crazy like a fox in a whore house."
Cooper told him that he had mixed metaphors.
Kim Jong Il asked Cooper if he was a doctor.
"Huh?" replied Anderson.
"You said that I have mixed metaphors. Well let me tell you something Mr. Snow Top. I will admit that I have enlarged tonsils, tennis elbow, and a deviated belly button, but I do not have mixed metaphors."
"Fair enough Mr. Kim Jong Il sir. Now let me get my notes so that I make sure that I get this straight."
Kim Jong Il told Cooper that he could call him Kimmy. And Cooper replied okay Kimmy it is. Kim Jong Il then asked him if he could call him Andy?
"Ahhh. No." Anderson replied.
Cooper then told him that he wanted to read off the names of all of his offical North Korean titles. He stated that the official North Korean Pamphlet of Positions listed him as being 62-years-old, weighing 161, with an IQ of 397?"
He grinned and said that, that made him even smarter than Rush Limbaugh."
"That Limbaugh fatty. He's a punk."
"Okay, duly noted. Mr. Jong Il, you are the Chairman of The National Defense Commission of North Korea. You are the Supreme Commander of The Korean People's Army. And you are the General Secretary of The Workers' Party of North Korea."
"So tell me Kimmy which hat do you prefer?"
"Well personally I prefer my New York Yankees hat, but don't tell my wife. She hates the Yankees...she's a Red Sox fan."
Cooper shook his head and asked Kim Jong Il if he was really serious about declaring war on China, Russia, and Japan.
He replied that he was as serious as the award-winning nose on Ann Coulter's face.
Cooper started laughing uncontrolably. "Hey cracker, what in the freakin' heck is so friggin' funny?" he was asked.
Cooper did not answer. He was laughing so hard the CNN soundman had to actually turn the sound down.
Kim Jong Il told him that if he didn't stop laughing right away that he would stand up and give him a karate chop in his groin region.
Cooper stopped laughing. He asked Kim Jong Il how in the world he even remotely felt that he could defeat three of the four most powerful nations in the entire world.
He was told that the reason was one of conclusive reasoning.
"What?" Cooper asked.
"Pray attention" he was told. "My country might be little. And yes it might resemble a midget's appendix but we are all experts in karate, kung fu, judo, taekwondo, jiu-jitsu, kick boxing, and lucha libre."
"Okay. Fair enough. Well we're out of time. And I know that you've got to get to the airport because your flight back to North Korea leaves in about an hour and a half."
"North Korea? I'm not going back to North Korea Andy. Are you stupid or what. Look I might be crazy, but I'm not insane.
Hell this afternoon I went over to Broomingdales and I bought be a big jacket, some mittens, and a pair of size 7B snowshoes. Yes sir, my North Korean keister will be on its way to Iceland in about 45 minutes."
(EDITOR'S NOTE: With midnight quickly approaching. Several news agencies are reporting that the entire population of North Korean, about 24 million people is headed like hell for the South Korean border.
And the word is that they are using ever means of transportation from Hyundais to mopeds, and rick shaws to skateboards.)