Written by Jay T. Jennings
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Friday, 29 May 2009

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Self-described non-Hipster on his way to cash Dad's check

A recent poll has shown a record number of American Hipsters deny any connection to the term whatsoever.

The employment of archaic and/or purposefully ironic dress and mannerisms such as wearing shirts decorated with obscure references and drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon beer is often considered a Hipster mainstay, but pollsters canvassing Hipster havens such as Austin, Texas obtained only negative results.

A survey of patrons at a music store specializing in independent and vintage vinyl recordings found not a single respondent who would claim Hipster status.

One customer found on the street in front of the shop dressed in a Captain Kangaroo t-shirt, US Keds High Top sneakers, and mounted on a 1962 Schwinn Flyer single-speed bike responded, "Yeah, there are lots of Hipsters moving into this neighborhood and messing it up for us. It's getting hard to grab a quick breakfast taco at the Chili Bean Bar across from the Ebenezer Baptist Church. Used to be you could get up early, around 11:30, and beat the crowd, but those Hipsters have ruined that. Gotta go cash my Dad's check. See ya."

A similar survey conducted in the United Kingdom returned the following results: "Bugger off, ya Dickhead!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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