Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 29 May 2009

image for Susan Boyle Boiling Mad Subdued By London Bobbies
Two of the London police officers who helped subdue Susan Boyle.

LONDON - The odds-on favorite to win Britain's Got Talent 48-year-old Susan Boyle lost her temper and launched into a four-letter diatribe that makes Christian Bale's tongue-lashing tirade pale by comparison.

It seems that Boyle was sitting in the lobby of London's exquisitely elegant Petula Clark Hotel when a fan asked her for her autograph.

Boyle complied and when she handed the paper back to the fan, the fan looked at her with a puzzled look and said, "Susan Boyle? Blimey, I thought you were Dame Edna."

Witnesses said that Boyle snatched back the autograph ripping it into a dozen pieces and tossed them in the fan's face.

The fan then called Boyle a rather ogrish looking 'has been' who is upset because she has never been a 'been.'

Boyle, who appeared to be somewhat confused by the remark grabbed the fan by the collar spinning him around and tossing him against a lobby sofa.

The hotel's desk clerk quickly called hotel security who tried to calm Miss Boyle down. But SuBo would have none of it.

She then proceeded to take hold of the security guard's belt and she chest-bumped him. The guard fell back hitting his head on the imported Italian marble floor.

Boyle then put her rather large size 11 sandal on his chest and told him to not get up or else she would end up knocking him down again.

At that point two London police officers arrived and told Boyle to take her size 11 sandal off the man's chest. Boyle told them to get on and go find a donut shop.

Somewhat bewildered by her audacious nature one of the officers informed her that he was going to have to place her in handcuffs.

Boyle became even angrier and commenced using four letter words that she apparently learned from listening to Russell Brand interviews.

The officer told her to pipe down and quickly called for backup. The second officer remarked that you would never know it, but RamBoyle actually has biceps and triceps that would put most bodybuilders to shame.

At this point the Scottish songstress yelled out that apparently they did not know who she was. And she told them that she was the next winner of Britain's Got Talent.

Both officers were unimpressed and they literally made matters worse when one said that personally he was hoping that Shaheen Jafargholi wins BGT and the other officer chimed in that he and his mum were pulling for little Hollie Steel to win it all.

At that point, 'Susan the Great' launched into another vulgar harangue spouting a literal volley of x-rated invectives which one usually only hears in a lumberjack camp.

By now four more London bobbies had arrived at the hotel lobby. And one of them who appeared to be about 60 immediately told Boyle to simmer down or else he would have her punched in her ridiculously huge eyebrows.

Boyle called the officer a wumpuskite (?) and at that point the elder officer said that if she uttered one more word he would have her tasered.

Boyle pointed to her crotch region and yelled out "Taser this you dumb-looking catchafint (?).

The officer did sending Boyle down to the floor immediately and causing her to scream and flop around on the hotel lobby floor like a small beached whale. One of the officers remarked that she sure did possess one hell of an octave range.

The hotel desk clerk remarked that Lady Boyle was actually hitting notes that only the late great four-octaved Roy Orbison could hit.

After the tasering effects wore off, Ms. Boyle was picked up and led away to a waiting police car. When a reporter for The London Morning Mincer Review asked her for a comment, Boyle simply looked at him and replied, "ahhooooeeeeeeyosssssh."

SIDENOTE: Producers for Britain's Got Talent are confident that the full tasering effects should wear off within 48 hours. They added that the show's doctor feels that the tasering should not affect her singing voice and that the fiesty Boyle should be ready to perform within three or four days.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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