Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 28 May 2009

image for Oprah Winfrey Buys The Boston Celtics
Two of Oprah's seven maids on their way to the grocery store to buy T-Bones, Rib-Eyes, and Aunt Jemima Pancake Mix.

CHICAGO - Talk show host and self-made billionairess Oprah Winfrey has just completed a deal to purchase the Boston Celtics.

Winfrey, an avid basketball fan, who said that she was bouncing a pillow while pretending it was a basketball at the age of 2 said that she is thrilled to get into the "basketball bitness."

Winfrey purchased the Boston Celtics from Financial Services Investment Manager Bernard Madoff. Madoff who is now in prison purchased the Celtics back in February from Wycliffe Grousbeck.

Neither Winfrey nor Madoff would reveal the purchase price. But a top notch reporter for The Chicago Wind Review Fannie Lamonica, 26, revealed that she had read on Ann Coulter's web site that Oprah paid $714 million for the Celtics.

A close friend of Oprah (not Gayle) said that Ms. Winfrey had an opportunity to buy the Sacramento Kings but passed on the offer.

Oprah said that the Kings had the worst record in the NBA with a record of 17-65. Ms. Winfrey reportedly told Ellen DeGeneres, "El, hon, I could have had the Kings for $115,000 but like they say, you get what you pay for."

Ellen remarked that she actually saw the Kings for sale on eBay. And she wants to buy them, but her wife says that if she is going to buy a team she would prefer that she buy The Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders instead.

Celtics Coach Doc Rivers was asked what he thought about the team being purchased by the talk show queen. He replied that he thought it was great. He says he and Oprah go way back when he was known as Intern Rivers and she was known as LaQuanda Winfreyburg.

Rivers did say that Ray Allen was not happy to hear that the team had been purchased by Winfrey. He said he would have preferred to have had the team purchased by Condoleezza Rice or Alicia Keys.

Paul Pierce said he tought it was a good idea because his wife always watches Oprah's show. and Kevin Garrnett replied, "Oprah who?"

President Barack Obama's half brother Aweemakwok Obama, a 20-year-old Celtic rookie who came over from Nairobi, Kenya remarked that he is thrilled that he and the team were bought with credit cards by the talented, well-bosomed, and filthy rich Opera Window.

Aweemawok Obama was asked what he thought about America so far. He replied that he really enjoyed living in the White House for the two months prior to him finding his very own appartment.

He also likes Big Macs, Little Caesar's Pizza, Jose Cuervo Tequila, and M and M's.

He did say that he was somewhat disappointed that he has not been able to find his favorite food of all which is stir-fried lion simmered in laughing hyena hormones.

Aweem, who stands 7 foot 11 played his college ball at Nairobi, Kenya's Tarzan Junior College where he made the All-Africa First Team.

About having one of the world's richest women as an owner, Aweem replied, "That fella man stedman better treat Miss Opera like the big, hefty queen she is because if he doesn't I will take her away from him and make her my hut woman (wife)."

Winfrey did state that she will be implementing several changes. For one thing she will be changing the name of the arena from The TD Banknorth Gardens to The My Man Stedman Graham This Be Our Arena Gardens.

She also said that the Boston cheerleaders will be renamed "The Cripettes, in honor of Stedman's great aunt LaKayla "Cripette" Strayfoot who just turned 102 on Memorial Day.

Winfrey was asked if it was true that she was planning on changing the Celtic team colors she replied that it was. She said that she would be doing away with the old boring celtic green, white, black, and gold colors and replacing them with charcoal briquette black, gumball black, and Jack Black.

TIDBIT: Ms. Winfrey was asked by CNN's Anderson Cooper what she felt would be the best thing about being an NBA basketball team owner. Oprah smiled and said, "That I will be able to eats all of the damn hot dogs I wants and no one, not even Steddy can say diddly squat about it. And like my best friend President Brobama says, 'And that's, what I'm talkin' about.'"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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