Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 5 June 2009

image for The Cleveland Cavaliers Have Been Sold To China
The new home of the Shanghai Cavaliers, The Chinese Fire Drill Coliseum. It has a seating capacity of 427,191.

CLEVELAND - Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert has confirmed that he has sold his team to a Chinese National bamboo investment group from Shanghai, China.

The sale price was not revealed but CNN's Rick Sanchez said that he spoke to 7 foot 3 inch Cavaliers' center Zydrunas Ilgaukas and he told him that the sale price was $873,450,000.

Zydrunas said that he knows the exact price because he overheard Mr. Gilbert's personal secretary, Ritzy Beth Winterbottom talking to someone in the checking department of The First State Bank of Lake Erie.

Sanchez went on to say that Cavaliers Coach Mike Brown at first understood that the Cavaliers would be staying in Cleveland, but by all accounts that will not be the case.

A news reporter for TV station KCAV stated that yes it was true that originally the Cavaliers were to have remained in Cleveland. But the Chinese National bamboo investment group known as China Closets, Inc. heard that Coach Brown had made some rather derogatory remarks and because of that the team will be moved to Shanghai during the off-season.

Coach Brown apparently said that there was no way that he would be moving himself and his family to that cramped, stir-fried, egg-rolling, sweet and sour smelling China place.

Brown was told that China was a beautiful country with a rich and varied history. He replied that he did not give a rattlesnake's ass about varied history, rich or otherwise.

He then got a sinister-looking grin on his face, probably much like a grin that a KKK grand wizard gets underneath his hood and Brown said. "Look, let me give you three darn good reasons why this silly-assed African-American ain't going to no China.

One, I'm too old to learn a new language, especially one with 3,000 letters, 8 million words, and 70,000 punctuation marks.

Two, it's my understanding that China has a population of 1.33 billion people and out of those there are only 3 blacks in the entire country, Mr. and Mrs. Booker Culpepper and their little three-year-old boy Bubby who reside in a mobile home in Shenyang .

And third, I hate Chinese food, well except for fortune cookies. Although I do read the fortune and throw away the cookie.

The Cleveland Cavaliers who finished the 2008-2009 season with a very impressive record of 72-20 including playoff victories were devastated at losing to the Orlando Magic.

Team leader and star LeBron James when informed of the sale of the team and the fact that it would be moved to Shanghai, China reportedly remarked, "WHAT!!!??? How in the friggin' hell can the freakin' owner of the friggin' team freakin' sell it now, especially to a friggin' freakin' group of friggin' Chinese freakin' friggin' fracker dudes?"

LeBron was asked if he even knew where China was and he replied, "Hell yes I do. Man I might not look smart, but I sure as hell ain't no dumb ass.

Freakin' China is sitwaited (situated) in South America just north of Norway and south of western Samoa and the Great Wall of China lies on the western coast of the Atlantic Ocean with the Asian country of Portugal just on the other side of the friggin' Great Wall of China."

LeBron was then asked if he knew what fellow teammate Sasha Pavlovic, who is Serbian, had to say about moving to China. He replied that he hadn't and asked what did Shasta (sic) say?

He was told that Pavlovic had said in his native Serbian language "Insta gorfa gandolfini washatuni kinfalashi zellweger quo ifso veranda kangarini pfeiffer snatchaloosis kumquat kuma vishi komrade!"

LeBron asked what exactly the hell all that meant and he was told that it meant "What the friggin' hell comrade!?"

Fellow Cavaliers teammate Wally Szczerbiak, a fellow Serbian perhaps said it best when he said, "Hey, costaluna mashy kondur armand assante caliente zsa zsa zeta-jones e pluribus panettiere iffa giffa sis boom bah go teamalickitty go dioguardi umfaa."

Which means, "Hey, that's the way the fortune cookie crumbles bro."

In a related story. North Korea has informed the United Nations that it will postpone its invasion of China until sometime in late July.

Make Abel Rodriguez's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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