Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 25 May 2009

image for "Dancing With The Stars" Helio Castroneves Wins The Indy 500
The race car Helio Castroneves drove to victory in the 2009 Indianapolis 500.

INDIANAPOLIS - Helio Castroneves, a native of Brazil, has won this year's Memorial Day Indianapolis 500 Auto Race.

The Penske Racing Team member has now won the Super Bowl of auto racing a total of three times in 2001, 2002, and now 2009.

Castroneves almost was disqualified in the 2002 race, when race officials noticed during a lap 127 pit stop that his race car's inspection sticker was expired.

Roger Penske quickly talked to one of the race officials and they had a licensed state of Indiana car inspection inspector inspect the car and okay it.

Castroneves is so good that he was able to make up the seven minute delay in no time.

Helio, who is nicknamed "The Spiderman" because he has seen the movie a total of 119 times was presented the champion's trophy by his "Dancing With The Stars" dance partner Julianne Hough.

Julianee looked fantastic in her bright red short Daisy Duke short shorts and barely-there red, white, and blue halter top.

In fact, there was a tense moment when Helio's girlfriend "Bubbles" went up to Julianne armed with a milk bottle. But luckily she was quickly stopped by Helio's grandmother "Nananota" who had to physically restrain "Bubbles" by putting her in an Amazon Jungle headlock and holding her until racetrack security arrived.

Castroneves was asked how he felt about winning the Indy 500 for a third time. He replied that he felt as happy as Dolly Parton's bra.

He then added that he can now go back to Brazil and buy that little 90,000 acre Brazil Nut Ranch he has always wanted.

INDY 500 SIDENOTES:

  • Danica Patrick, 27, once again was named "Indianapolis 500 Racer With The Prettiest Legs."
  • Racer Dario Franchitti was named "Indianapolis 500 Driver With The Best-Looking Wife." Dario is married to actress Ashley Judd.
  • "Bikini Girl" Katrina Darrell sang The National Anthem. She wore a skimpy bikini swimsuit that was made from a checkered flag.
  • Country music legend Willie Nelson was spotted with his Puerto Rican girlfriend American Idol's own Tatiana Del Toro.
  • Los Angeles Dodgers superstar Manny Ramirez showed up escorting Miss California, Carrie Prejean. Prejean was wearing a yellow caution flag dress, with her Miss California Beauty Pageant sash and her Pageant tiara.
  • The strange and still quite weird Joaquin Phoenix showed up but he was not allowed to go inside. Phoenix reportedly bribed The Go Daddy. Com blimp pilot to let him ride in the blimp and watch the race from the sky.


After the race Helio and his family were joined by ABC announcer Brent Musberger, Julianne Hough, Willie Nelson, Tatiana Del Toro, President Barack Obama and his wife Michelle, and Ashley Judd at a private party at The Buffalo Hunting Party Bar & Grill in downtown Rocky Ripple.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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