President Barack Obama announced today that he has eliminated former President Bush's Abstinence Only Education program and has begun a new "Getting Laid is Cool" program.
"We will never eliminate the desire for sex", Obama stated during a news conference. "Bush's program was a failure because kids love sex! How many of you abstained from sex when you were teenagers, raise your hands!"
Among the 988 people present only two hands went up. One of those who raised his hand said, "I didn't get laid until I was 20 but I did get a couple of blow jobs". The other who raised her hand said she was a Mormon and didn't know exactly what sex was.
Obama pointed out that many young men become sexually aroused at the site of firm breasts, tight jeans, bared midriffs, cleavage, thongs and short skirts. No amount of 'Abstinence Only Education' is going to change that.
Rather than trying to force abstinence on the youth, Obama proposed enlightening the teenagers to the use of contraceptives, proper methods of masturbation and the use of sex toys.
The U.S. Government had been spending about $200 million per year on the failed program. Despite requesting young people to wait for marriage, more teenagers than ever have been having sex, including Republican conservative and Evangelical Christian Sarah Palin's 17-year-old daughter Bristol who recently gave birth to a baby boy.
"That was a whoopsie", Sara Palin told reporters with a wink.