WASHINGTON, D.C. - Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has finally succumbed to the relentless interrogation of Republicans. Though she never spilled the beans concerning her knowledge about the Bush Administration's use of water boarding, she has now been hospitalized with Water Boarding Investigation Syndrome, or WBIS.
Pelosi was taken into physicians' care when she complained of nausea, irritability, memory loss, labored breathing and headaches. Noting Pelosi's red eyes and cold, clammy skin, they determined the cause of the symptoms was the intense pressure of constant water boarding by Republicans attempting to elicit any knowledge she might possess concerning the now-infamous torture technique.
Newt Gingrich dismissed Pelosi's illness, calling it "convenient." Though she does not have cancer like his first wife, Gingrich added that he would nevertheless be "heading to the hospital later" to pester the ailing Democrat some more.
Calling Pelosi "a brave woman," "a trooper," and "the latest victim of a seemingly never-ending conflict," President Obama reached out to America this morning, calling for an end to the War on Democrats. Though the appointment of Kenneth Starr to investigate the Clinton's laid groundwork for the so-called War on Democrats, it wasn't officially declared until 1998 when prominent adulterous Republicans tried to impeach the President on a matter related to his own adulterous relationship. Their failure to remove him from office galvanized their resolve, and a war was born.
President Obama appealed to Republicans, calling for an end to the savagery. "The time has come," said the President in an emotional address to the nation, "to put the past behind us. To stop the partisan bickering and start doing the work the people elected us to do. To stop working against each other, and work together. How many more victims must this conflict claim before we say enough is enough?"
"Lots more! Lots and lots!" said Rush Limbaugh, clapping gleefully, watching the speech by himself alone in an office, popping painkillers and sweating profusely. Beginning to howl uncontrollably, he rolled off his chair onto the floor, the smell of fresh Olefin carpet lulling him peacefully away to a happier place.