Written by Ed E. Druckman
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Friday, 22 May 2009

image for Cheney: "Waterboard Me." Obama: "No, Waterboard Me!"

(Washington, D.C.) The debate between former Vice President Dick Cheney and current President Barack Obama over United States policy on detainees at Guanatanamo Bay, which has been intensifying over the last month, shows no sign of diminishing. The latest challenge was issued today by Dick Cheney, who said that he would be waterboarded to prove that President Obama's allegation that it is torture is "all wet."

The challenge came a day after the President, in a speech at the National Archives, again denounced the former Vice President's media campaign as "fear mongering, not to mention really boring." Showing more of his comic tone, President Obama quipped, "Dick Cheney should come with a 'Do not operate heavy machinery while listening to this man talk' warning. I don't want to say he's boring, but they call me 'No Drama Obama'. They should call him 'No Pulse Cheney.'"

Appearing on shock jock Howard Stern's Sirius radio show, Cheney came out strong. "The President says I'm boring. Well, here I am following two midgets who played a game of ring toss with onion rings on a part of the anatomy one usually doesn't use for that purpose. After me is a very talented young gal who powers a peashooter with a unique part of her anatomy and is able to hit the bull's eye from 50 feet. A person has to be electric to compete with that. Am I right, Howard….Howard?"

After Stern co-host, Robin Quivers, woke Stern, the controversial DJ asked Cheney if he actually believed that U.S. interrogation practices under the Bush administration were not torture. "I've heard all this talk about waterboarding being torture. Waterboarding is no worse than, say, getting water in your nose when you take a shower or protesting the war in Iraq at the Lincoln Memorial and getting hit with a firehouse. A little unpleasant, sure. Torture? No. In fact, Howard, I'm so sure of it I'm offering to be waterboarded on your show."

The soggy gauntlet was immediately picked up by the Obama administration no less than 24 hours later. White House Press Secretary, Robert "Bob" Gibbs, issued a statement on behalf of the President. "Former Vice President Dick Cheney being waterboarded is transparent partisan grandstanding. It will not settle the debate. Therefore, in order to ensure a fair assessment of this practice, the President will be waterboarded, ideally on Howard Stern's show, but that is still being negotiated."

The White House press corps almost in unison asked if this was truly getting to the heart of the debate. Press Secretary Robert "Bob" Gibbs replied, "We have thought of that. And in order to make this a fair comparison, given the former Vice President's age and lack of a heart, the President will take up smoking again a week before the event."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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