Written by The SSaint
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Thursday, 21 May 2009

In an unprecedented move, Simon Cowell has refused to renew the contracts of Paula Abdul, Kara DioGuardi and Randy Jackson for the 9th Season of the hugely popular reality show, American Idol. This follows after Kris Allen was named the new American Idol, in the Season 8 finale last night.

Simon has decided to replace the other 3 judges with people who actually know what they are talking about, even if they aren't exactly talking music.

When asked for reasons Mr. Cowell stated:

"Seeing as I am the boss, I don't really need a reason, but it's quite simple really, they are too happy-go-lucky and as a result, they irritate me to such a point that I actually become nauseous. Randy has no clue as to what he is saying, he simply uses the performances to figure out, if there is any way that he hasn't used the word dog yet. Kara is self-obsessed and Paula, well Paula still hasn't recovered from the eighties."

Simon has already assembled a new set of judges, and from the offset, it seems as if Season 9 is going to be torture for the contestants, the new judges are:

Jeremy Clarkson:

Yes he knows nothing about music, but he also knows nothing about cars, yet he has been the presenter of the most popular motoring show on earth. What is important is the fact that he acts as if he knows everything, has a foul mouth and should provide excellent entertainment throughout the season.

Paris Hilton

She has CD out, which makes her just as qualified as Paula Abdul with 2 major differences, firstly she is infinitely younger and hotter, and secondly, well she is infinitely younger and hotter.

Martha Stewart

Also no musical experience, but she is here to be the softer side of the judges, also she is invaluable to the contestants falling out, offering advice on alternative career choices such as cooking, cleaning and defrauding the IRS.

All in all the new show should have more ridiculous comments than ever, more false praising and something (Paris Hilton) to look at if all the girls are voted out again,

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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