Written by Jake Pirkle
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Topics: Economy, Jobs

Friday, 2 July 2004

image for Kerry Unveils Plan to Create Jobs and Save the Economy
Ketchup Engine Inventor, John F. Kerry

AP News Release

Boston--John Kerry announced his plans to add over 2 million jobs to the US landscape this morning at an unannounced rally.

Kerry said he has plans to begin replacing the use of oil-based products such as gasoline with the tomato-based product, ketchup. The Democratic candidate, who is presumed to be the challenger to President Bush for the 2004 election, states "we have to find an alternative to our oil-based economy we are so dependent upon, and I firmly believe this is the answer, uh...I think."

Kerry went on to expand upon his plans to open 16 new Heinz ketchup factories nationwide to meet the demand for the newly discovered fuel source. Each plant would employ over 12,500 new employees, easily surpassing his prediction of creating over 200,000 jobs for hard-working Americans.

"The delivery mechanisms for these US created tomato fuel products will also create countless jobs in this wonderful country as well", Kerry went on to add. "We are going to put the future of our country's economic independence back into the hands of our farmers, who will provide us with home-grown tomatoes to help provide for the great demand that is expected to occur due to this newly found fuel."

Kerry is reportedly going to be appearing at a local 4-H club at an elementary school in Boston on Monday to tout his ketchup fuel plan as well as touting his educational platform. Plans call for Kerry to announce his national education plan currently being called "Plant the First Seed", which is going to instil the importance of tomato farming and the rich history of Heinz ketchup in young school children.

A spokesman for the National Automobile Manufacture's Association has confirmed the use of the new ketchup fuel, stating new vehicles capable of travelling up to 65 miles/gallon are already under development and will be available in January shortly after the inauguration.

In another surprise announcement NASCAR has announced the NEXTEL cup will be known as the HEINZ cup next year with Heinz and NASCAR entering into a multi-million dollar agreement for Heinz brand ketchup to be the official fuel of choice for NASCAR beginning in 2005.

When asked about the use for ketchup as a fuel, Senator Ted Kennedy said "Heinz ketchup, Senator Kerry, and the Democratic Party are going to save this country from the demise our Republican counterparts have put us into." Then, not realizing his microphone was still on, was heard saying to Kerry as he leaned in close to him "I'm still going to be able to get that ketchup for my steak and fries, right." When questioned later about his statement, Senator Kennedy denied the statement, saying he was beginning ketchup conservation measures immediately to prepare for the transition.

On another front, Al Gore also made an appearance late this afternoon, claiming to have invented the first ketchup-ran engine while in office as Vice President. No response was given by the Kerry campaign regarding Gore's remarks.

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