Written by Chuck Terzella
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Friday, 2 July 2004

US Forces attacked a safe house reportedly owned by Jordanian born Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, killing seven and wounding fifteen in the city of Fallujah. This is the fourth attack on al-Zarqawi's suspected safe houses in two weeks.

Mr. al-Zarqawi, when contacted for comment about the attacks said, "These attacks are wrecking havoc on my real estate portfolio. When Iraq fell to the Americans I liquidated all my Afghanistan properties and invested heavily in both Iraq weapons and residential properties. I feel it's important to diversify you see, but I'm beginning to think that the land thing was a mistake. First of all, these are not turning out to be such "Safe Houses" after all. I've lost four houses in two weeks and my insurance premiums are going through the roof."

Mr. al-Zarqawi continued, "Allah be praised, It's getting to be impossible to find renters anymore; I'm on the edge of bankruptcy. I'm putting the properties up for sale and moving my cash into oil futures and chemicals. That's where the real money is."

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " We in the Administration feel Mr. al-Zarqawi's pain. Of course, we'd like Mr. al-Zarqawi to feel even more pain that we would not feel, but we're working on that. However, we know exactly what he's feeling when it comes to Iraqi land values. We, like Mr. al-Zarqawi, thought that we'd make a killing in Iraqi real estate. While there has been a great deal of killing, it's not exactly what we had in mind. Luckily we have a program in place to help Iraqi's who have been financially undermined by the War. Unluckily for Mr. al-Zarqawi, as soon as he comes in to do the paperwork we're going to kill him."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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