President George W. Bush yesterday unveiled grand plans for the war on terror's next theatre--an invasion of the Sun.
"This is an enemy that knows no mercy, only hatred. We will confront this terrorist killer that continues to unleash melanoma on tens of thousands of Americans every year, burns golf greens to a crisp, and commits other acts of evil upon innocent people," Bush declared during a speech at a bin Laden family reunion in Palm Springs, California. "And we will crush any country that harbours the enemy Sun."
The Sun's connection to 9/11, said the President, is impossible to deny. "September 11, 2001 was a bright and sunny morning, with not a cloud in the sky to alter the path of those hijacked ourliners, I mean, airliners. While the Pacific Northwest, upstate New York, and other vast stretches of our great nation endure little or no sunlight, our Earth-bound enemies in New Texas, I mean the Middle East, bask in golden rays. This is clear evidence of the bond between terror and the sun, and the last thing our country needs is to have its intelligence insulted by another Congressional investigation charade. "
Bush's decision to invade comes after several weeks of negotiations for handover of the Sun's hydrogen supply. "Good Lord, even our weapons inspectors were able to find the Sun's hydrogen arsenal, which is capable of continuing this terror for billions of years," said the President. Talks broke off when the Sun responded to American negotiators' latest disarmament demands by forcing Los Angeles to endure a record three straight days of rain.
Showing his trademark flair for dyspeptic denial, El Presidente seemed unfazed by the daunting logistical obstacles to such an invasion.
When queried about the feasibility of maintaining supply lines to a front 93 million miles from Earth, Bush responded that Halliburton had already received an untendered contract and that he had signed an executive order making NASA a Halliburton subsidiary.
The President was confident that the troops would be able to handle temperatures as hot as 2 million degrees Fahrenheit, citing the experience sending U.S. soldiers to fight in the face of intense heat, sandstorms and total lack of cover in Iraq and Afghanistan. "Heck, just yesterday I played 36 holes with my daddy, Jebby and Sultan bin Weasel and it must have been a hundred and five in the shade," Bush said earnestly.
There was one somewhat encouraging sign of enlightenment in the President's address. Pressed about the wisdom of stretching our already dangerously overextended military manpower on a battleground approximately one million times the size of the Earth, Dubya actually demonstrated a capacity to learn from previous mistakes previously thought to be lacking in the monarch of privileged mediocrity. He made it clear that he would not seek a "coalition of the willing." Instead, the U.S. Armed Forces will launch a massive targeted recruiting blitz of Spring Break hotspots, American Association of Retired People conventions, and other mass gatherings of sun-worshippers.
Co-President Dick Cheney has been tabbed as chief mission commander. "That cranky sonofabitch really needs some rays, God bless him," said his faithful servant.
Capping off, Bush revealed that this historic invasion will be launched in style with an unprecedented television event. "America: Conquest of the Sun"--produced by Mark Burnett, CNN and Fox--will air on Sunday, July 4th at 5:00 EST. George Hamilton, Britney Spears, Dick Clark and Pamela Anderson are believed to be leading candidates to be the Celebrity Mission Commanders revealed at the end of the broadcast. The President did not specify a rain date.