Thursday brought the welcome return of Saddam Hussein to our television screens. The former Iraqi strongman had his first taste of court, while the ground rules for the trial were being set.
In order to assist readers herewith the most important items :
Saddam Hussein will henceforth be known as Saddam Hussein Guilty. Members of the tribunal felt that this would prepare everyone for the result.
"Hung Jury" will mean any jury that acquits Hussein Guilty.
"Well Hung Jury" will mean a jury that acquited Hussein Guilty and has been strung up near the village well.
"Mens Rea" shall mean any comments made by the accused's legal team and translates as "your backside" or something similar. At the trial involving George Michael it was used slightly differently.
"Habeus Corpus" means the executioner has a cold when he informs the undertaker to remove Hussein Guilty's body.
"Cross Examination" shall mean that the judges are miffed about Hussein Guilty's counsel asking a question.
"Irrelevant" shall mean questions unrelated to this trial eg "Could we have our boats back please?" (Britain requesting Iran).
"Exchange of pleasentries" shall mean the 20 gun salute honouring the tribunal, which is returned immediately by the Iranian army. (NB this may develop into a skirmish further NB skirmish denotes a military term and is not an Islamic group. Whilst Islamic militants may be involved in a skirmish one does not speak of an Islamic Skirmish, so to speak. Well you could but not to denote a sect but rather the sect being involved in a small battle.)
"Kuwait" shall mean the mother of all cock-ups...unless one includes trying to gas everyone, which while enjoyable at the time, seemed to kick the crap out of the Fallujia Stock Exchange.
"Thin, haggard with a grey beard" shall mean Traps' missus who wants to visit her mother of all cock ups. Shouldn't mock the mother-in-law never seen broom handeling like that....mind you she nearly hit the side of our house on take off....didn't half scare her cat.
"A fair trial" shall mean the carnival on appro, which is currently performing in Najaf.
The trial is expected to last for several years, with legal pundits expecting the case for Iraq to take anything up to 8 years 6 months and a few days. The 11 accused will then be allowed the hour before lunch to cram their tuppence worth in.
The legal team for Iraq will comprise 12 barristers, briefed by 32 attorneys and supported by untold investigators.
For Saddam Hussein Guilty et al we are pleased to announce a top team. He is Harry Benjamin of Croydon whose qualifications read like the whose who of British Law. They are :
Watched the entire series of LA Law (1997) * Missed the one where Arnie Becker pranged his car.
Read the Perry Mason Book for Boys Annual 2001.
Assisted the brilliant attorney who cleared Jeffrey Dahmer........from the face of the planet.
Cries during Kramer vs Kramer.
Apparently he loves dogs which may cause some problems with Saddam Hussein Guity when the issue of Kuwait is raised. (Please don't confuse the issue of Kuwait with the woman that Iraqi soldiers impregnated during their stay in Kuwait).
That could cause further problems because some of you still refer to that as an Iraqi skirmish which left issues in Kuwait.....
And George W. says he never watched any of it.