Written by NickFun
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Topics: Sex, CIA, torture

Sunday, 10 May 2009

image for CIA to Replace Torture With Sex
CIA operatives seeking Al Qaeda members

Now that the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) is no longer allowed to use torture, they have resorted to old cold-war style tactics of using attractive young women to seduce the enemy into revealing secrets.

"We were having very little success with water boarding, making them stand at attention naked, sleep deprivation, beating them and other forms of torture", said CIA Director Leon Panetta. "We are gaining far more valuable information from a single blow job than we could get through three months of torture".

The CIA has been actively recruiting the most attractive and intelligent students from prestigious universities as Harvard, Tale, Princeton, MIT and others.

"The problem", Panetta continued, "is that we have no trouble finding attractive women. I mean, they're everywhere. On every college campus. But to find the ones that are both beautiful and intelligent has been the most difficult thing I've ever had to do."

One newly recruited CIA operative, who asked us to call her Bambi, said she has won three beauty contests, is fluent in five languages, performs advanced calculus in her head, can fly advanced aircraft, is an expert gymnast and "gives the best head this side of the Mississippi".

"I have also discovered that Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao is planning on igniting a nuclear device beneath the city of Los Angeles within the next five years to force the San Andreas fault to collapse thus irreparably damaging the United States economy", Bambi revealed to Unconfirmed Sources.

Even many devout Muslim terrorists seem to have abandoned their religious views in favor of spending a single night with some of the CIA vixens.

"Forgive me Allah but she was so fucking hot!" said admitted terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. "I had planned to stay in hiding but when I saw her approaching through my security camera I nearly came in my pants!"

Panetta praised the poor US economy for being able to find the right women for the job. "There are no other jobs out there for gals like this right now. That means more gals for us!"

Bambi says she will soon be traveling to Afghanistan to seek out Al Queda mastermind Osama bin Laden.

"I just hope he's not gay", she said with a sneer.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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