Written by The Sinker
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Topics: Gay, Terrorism, Gangs

Friday, 8 May 2009

Washington, D.C. - In the shadows of the U.S. Capitol, residents in the southeast section of Washington D.C. have seen an increase in homosexual gang activity in recent weeks. Already accustomed to high rates of crime, the citizens of this neighborhood are shocked at this level of random terror.

"I've been living here for 24 years", says Curtis Jefferson, an unemployed sanitation worker, "I never seen anything like this in my life. Me and the fellas were just hanging out on the corner doing nothing. All of a sudden, we get jumped. We get hoods thrown over our heads and then thrown into a van. The next thing I know, we're in the middle of a yoga class."

"I'm afraid to go to sleep," says Dre Hollings. "They broke into my house in the middle of the night and rearranged all my furniture."

Poor, inner city neighborhoods have always been a haven for street gangs. Residents typically do not have the community resources nor the support of the city to protect themselves. What makes this situation unique is the origin of these groups. Typically gangs are bred from within the community. "When dealing with gang members, you're usually working with individuals that grew up in the neighborhood," says Lola Hollander, a social worker for the District. "These gang members appear to have traveled from the DuPont Circle area and from as far away as the Chelsea neighborhood in New York or the Castro District of San Francisco. They appear to be well funded and very, very organized."

Dexter Jackson, recently paroled after serving time for aggravated assault, has not been immune to the crime spree. On a quiet Sunday afternoon, a homosexual gang broke into his house and replaced his wardrobe. "Man, they stripped me down to my drawers and put me in this pink polo shirt and matching sweater tied around my neck! I can't walk outside my house!"

"Residents will have to stay vigilant and report suspicious activity," says D.C. Police Chief Cathy Lanier, "You can usually tell when gangs have taken over an area. Their typical calling cards are trimmed hedges and new flower beds. Our emergency rooms have been receiving waves of victims from gang encounters. Injuries range from blisters due to new penny loafers to severe paper cuts from excessive scrapbooking."

Some residents welcomed the arrival of the homosexual gangs. "I admit, I initially didn't like when they put my one year-old in environmentally-friendly reusable diapers," says Juanita Phillips. "But it has cut down on our bills. And Leroy, my baby's daddy, has lowered his cholesterol levels because of the all-natural, organic dishes that I learned when I got kidnapped and enrolled into a culinary class. I never knew legumes could be so versatile!"

A few residents have moved from the neighborhood, but most remain steadfast. "I ain't moving," says Jefferson, walking with a noticeable limp from holding a chakra-asana pose. "This is my community, this is my house. Even if it does smell like lavender."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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