The Metropolitan Police and British Transport Police are preparing for what could be a chaotic weekend should Millwall face Leeds United in the League One Championship final and Preston meet Burnley in the Championship Final.
"If Leeds play Millwall then we will have two of the fattest and biggest gobshites in one place at the same time" said PC Harry Hooker "Of course I am talking about Chris Moyles and Danny Baker, fans of Leeds and Millwall" continued the officer.
Police will try and separate the two but officials fear that there simply won't be enough pies to go around and that Wembley Stadium could simply sink into the ground!
To make matters worse Lancashire rivals Burnley and Preston could also meet - creating havoc amongst tourists and normal people who speak English.
Officer Jason Barlow from Croydon is taking special language lessons so he can help the Northerners get to the ground without getting lost.
"I am learning phrases like 'Aye Up', 'Has Thow got a fag?' and "I want gravy on me peas - hold on these ain't mushy peas"
Other phrases such as 'Ecky Thump' and 'Nowt' are also being taught to police.
(c) Atticus Finch (Pretend Lawyer and Deep Sea Diver)