United States citizens are at a maximum RED alert over the Swine Flu to be really, really, really sure they don't get it.
In a poll, over 15% of the population have not left their house in a month and order out for groceries which they boil, then fry for an hour.
The poll, authorized by the US Health Department, indicated that a full 65% are standing at attention, fully alert and ready for further orders.
Another 25% are wearing masks and condoms 24 hours a day.
In the south, many are sitting on their front porches with loaded shotguns, ready to mow down and blow away any visitors they may not recognize, which they don't because of them wearing masks. Those that were caught without their guns, keep chainsaws and tire irons lying within a quick reach.
There has been a second alert about coming anywhere near these people. "One good sneeze and you're a dead man", stated US Health Department Rep. Bill Fluharty.
Still others are keeping the news on 24 hours a day as they take shifts of watching and sleeping and feeding the dogs under the front porch which are also wearing masks.
"We're completely old out of flu masks", stated a pharmacist in Bootlick, Arkansas. "Most people are now purchasing duct tape and punching a few holes in it."