WASHINGTON, D.C. - With an estimated 95% of Americans receiving swine flu case count updates at least once every five minutes, the US Government and news media have declared their circle of fear to be nearly complete.
"Just a few more days, and we should have 100% of Americans completely on edge," said CNNetwork owner Herbert Haddock. "That's a number we haven't seen since the days after 9-11."
Haddock refers to the "terror alert" system initiated after the deadly attack. It's use of yellow, orange, and red color-coded terror elevations proved to be a more effective method of inducing fear in Americans than had previously been thought possible.
Now, with millions of US citizens covering their faces with sleeves, wearing protective masks out of doors, buying hand sanitizer by the gallon, and millions more afraid to even leave their homes, the swine flu epidemic may prove to be better at panicking a population than anyone had dared to dream.
"It's the perfect crisis," says political analyst Jerry Rigg, "because it's something you can't see. You don't know you have it until you have it, which could mean your time's up. It's a little scary. But then, watching the case numbers climbing, minute by minute, hour after hour... well, let's just say chances like this to completely terrify everyone don't come along every day."
This story may be continued later, but right now, I'm going to go check my temperature, buy a respirator, and caulk all my windows.