DALLAS - The United States Mexican Heritage Awareness Federation has announced that due to the negative publicity that Mexico has been getting lately because of the you-know-what it has decided to cancel Cinco De Mayo this year.
The decision has angered literally tens of thousands of Mexican-American individuals living in cities such as El Paso, Houston, San Antonio, Laredo, Phoenix, Anchorage, Chicago, and East L.A.
In Dallas, members of The Sons and Daughters of Emiliano Zapata were really upset at having to cancel their annual Cinco De Mayo Low-Rider Parade.
Fernando Luna-Laguna who is a 42-year-old currently unemployed busboy was especially upset because he says that he had spent over $42,000 on upholstery, carpeting, decals, a chandelier, and cabinets for his '62 Chevy Impala Low-Rider.
He also said that he had even paid $178 for a special Cinco De Mayo Rocks commemorative tattoo for his girlfriend's mother.
Tino Pan De Dulce, who lives in Fort Worth, said that he was boiling mad because he had equipped his '65 Pontiac LeMans with $35,245 worth of imported Italian marble.
He was yelling and hollering and literally fit to be tied (and Fort Worth Police actually did). Pan de Dulce later commented from the police station that he had also paid for his brand new girlfriend Tallulah to get a top-of-the-line Brazilian Bikini Wax along with getting her tubes tied.
The Hispanic residents of Chicago were livid at having to return the money for the 23,000 tickets sold to their Annual Cinco De Mayo Carlos Santana Air Guitar Competition & Enchilada-Bob.
The mayor of Laredo, Pascual Habanero said that he deeply regretted having to cancel The Cinco De Mayo Pre-Teens Pinata Bashing Tournament.
Habanero said that this year they had 9 entries with Bernard Madoff's likeness, 11 entries with Chris Brown's likeness, 7 Ann Coulter pinatas, and 628 Rush Limbaugh pinatas.
In Houston, The Club De Muchachos & Muchachas postponed their yearly Cinco de Mayo Blindfolded Chihuahua Dog Races from May 5 (Cinco de Mayo) to August 5, (Cinco de Agosto).
In a related story. Brand new bride Salma Hayek, who is now the wife of French Billionaire Francois Henri Pinault, has written in her web site that she is inviting everyone who is Latin or who knows someone who is Latin to what she is calling "Salma's Biggest Mother of All Cinco De Mayo Parties."
Salma has rented the AT&T Center in San Antonio, since sadly the Spurs won't be using it.
She said that admission, parking, food, drinks, jumper cables, and bottle rockets will all be free. The new bride added that her husband Francois has hired 1,000 members of the French Foreign Legion to handle security.