Written by Dan Margherita
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Wednesday, 30 June 2004


Washington (June 30) --- As the United States Supreme Court finishes up its current term, word is already circulating that the Bush administration may not pick up its option for the 2004-2005 season. Movers and shakers in both government and the media are shocked. Mike Wallace of 60 Minutes, who has covered SCOTUS proceedings since it was first called to assemble in 1790, said, "It's just something that's we've taken for granted for as long as I can remember, and I can remember a long time."

Man on the street interviews echoed this sentiment, clearly indicating that the public has been caught off guard by the announcement. "The Supreme Court?" asked Don Waters, a business executive in Wilmington, Delaware. "It's just something that you never thought would go away, like summers at the beach, Coca Cola… Cher."

While no reason has been given pending the official announcement later this summer, insiders say that the public's interest in reality shows has left the court behind. "They just aren't seen as living in the real world, " commented Attorney General John Ashcroft. "I mean, enemy combatants fighting their detention in our courts? What's real about that? And the last presidential election; I mean, I'm glad to be here but c'mon…"

"I'm not surprised. Let's face it. They're old," said reality show producer Mark Burnett, the man responsible for Survivor and its ad nauseum spin-offs. "They sit, they listen, they go off somewhere and do God-knows-what and six months later they write an opinion. Where's the excitement in that?" He continued, "If they had listened to me a couple of years ago, they wouldn't be where they are now. I offered them, Who Wants To Marry My Justice? They said "no'. I said, ‘How about Making The Bench? They said ‘no.' Even Outback Ruth, they just stared at me. I'm not even sure they were awake."

Obviously thinking that his microphone was turned off, Burnett then joked, "Two of them are women but, when you look at a picture of all nine justices, I defy you to tell me which ones they are. I think that's why they wear those scarf things under their neck."

Still, there may be hope. In a magnanimous gesture to save the institution, Justice Sandra Day O'Connor has offered to relinquish her seat to Judge Judy. A call to Paramount Pictures for comment was not immediately returned.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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