Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: America, Canada

Friday, 1 May 2009

image for The U.S. Will Close The Border
Celine Dion's childhood bedroom back in Charlemagne, Quebec, Canada

WASHINGTON D.C. - The United States government has decided that after thousands of complaints from concerned citizens it will be closing the border.

White House Spokesperson LaVanna Leigh Lomax, 38, has informed the media that effective immediately all ports of entry between the United States and Canada will be closed indefinitely.

Lomax said that the director of The Portal Entries Department Cullen Itzcawitz, has stated that U.S. Customs officials were just finding too many Canadian residents trying to sneak into the country with everything from counterfeit snowshoes and stolen ice trays to defective snowplow parts and baby polar bears.

Itzcawitz went on to say that hopefully by closing the border all of this illegal trafficking will be reduced by at least 27 percent.

Meanwhile, the Canadian government is highly upset at the latest American mandate which they consider an affront as well as an abback.

Senator Fufan Dominique, III, of Saskachewan has remarked that if the United States does not lift their border closing mandate then he will have to insist that all Canadian hockey players who are playing in the National Hockey League return to Canada immediately.

Another senator Bonnie Bonjour, 71, of Ontario has taken it one step further and has asked that Canadian natives Celine Dion, Avril Lavigne, Neil Young and Coco Love Alcorn all put down their microphones and board the first plane back to the lovely, wonderful, icy country of Canada, where even Mallard ducks are free to choose where they want to build their Mallard nests.

In a related story. Eiffel DuBordeau, the assistant director of The Canadian Mounted Police stated the he now wishes that he had arrested American actor/singer/jerk Billy Bob Thornton and charged him with first degree arrogance.

DuBordeau added that in Canada the charge would have meant that Mr. Thornton would have spent six months in a Canadian prison, where Canadian guards would have cured Mr. Thornton of his smug arrogance in about two minutes or less.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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