ALBUQUERQUE - In a move that can only be categorized as unprecedented in nature, hundreds of American bars are no longer serving Tequila because of the swine flu fear.
Humberto McDakota president of The United States Bars, Lounges, & Bistros Bureau has stated that the position of the USBL & BB in the past had been one of leaving it up to the individual bar owners and managers.
But now the USBL & BB is mandating that the blue agave based drink not be consumed at all. And he added that any violator will be fined $500 for the first offense.
A second offense will result in a $1,000 fine. And if there is a third offense the violator will be arrested and flown down to Mexico's southern state of Yucatan.
Once there the individual will be bused down to the Yucatan Peninsula jungle where some iguanas get as big as shetland ponies. Said individual will not be allowed back into the United States for a period of at least 10 years.
McDakota was told that apparently there are some bar operators in the border states of Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and California who have flat out stated that they are not going to comply with the mandated mandate.
McDakota just smiled and said, "Well I hope that the sumbitches can speak Mexican (Spanish)."
One bar owner, Antonio "The Mescal Kid" Santa Maria who owns the popular Golden Guarache Cantina in Nogales, Arizona said that if he stops selling tequila he will lose more than 91 percent of his customers.
Santa Maria said that his bar sells more Tequila-based drinks such as Tequila Sunrises, Tequila Sours, Three Amigos Tequila, and Blue Voodoo Dolls Tequila than any bar on the U.S. - Mexico border including Sarita's Cantina & Casa of Quasi-Ill-Repute in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico.
Ricardo Matapatos, 79, who owns The Matapatos Duck Hunter's Diner in Oshkosh, Wisconsin said that asking him to stop serving tequila is like asking Paris Hilton to stop acting like a dumb blonde.
McDakota, who is not known for his patience replied, "Like I said, if you insist on serving tequila, you will be caught, you will be fined once. You will be fined twice. And the third time your 'lawbreaking' assaroonie will be shipped off to the Land of the ole toro, pure and simple.
He then added that once down in the land of the burro pinatas the person will very quickly experience Montezuma's Revenge possibly within the first seven seconds after drinking the water."
Meanwhile, The American Tequila Industry reports that throughout the southwestern portion of the U.S. the popular girl's name 'Margarita' has fallen in popularity from number 8 down to number 56.