WASHINGTON (BNN), June 30, 2004. - Saving their most important decision for the end of the current term, men everywhere hailed as historic the Supreme Court's decision striking down a controversial Texas state toilet seat law.
In the 8-1 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court said that it was, in fact, legal for men to leave toilet seats in an upright fashion "if they damn well felt like it." Texas women filing the original lawsuit defending the law claimed that it was unsafe, illegal, immoral and just plain gross.
Legal analysts said the ruling enshrines for the first time a broad constitutional right of "toilet seat verticality" a fundamental legal principal from colonial days and clearly the intent of the "founding FATHERS". The impact of this decision is predicted to reach beyond Texas to 12 other states with similar toilet seat challenges filed against the male community.
"The petitioners are entitled to respect for their lives and safety," Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote for the majority. "The state cannot demean their safety, but if women want the seat down, they are fully capable of putting it down themselves." Chief Justice Thomas observed that, "Sure, a few of them fall in the toilet every so often, but they'll just have to be more careful in the future."
The lone dissenting opinion was voiced by Supreme Court Justice Sandy "Don't Mess With My Seat:" Day O'Connor. "I don't care what the court says. I live with these 8 guys nine months out of the year and, believe me, they better put the seat down," she said.
The Chief Justices' heads collectively exploded when The American Civil Liberties Union asked for clarification of the nation's toilet seat policy for transsexuals.