MONTPELIER, Vermont - The Vermont Senate reacting to an astounding statewide demand that the state do something to keep swine flu out of the state has just inacted Swine Flu Amendment 16-H.
SFA 16-H strictly prohibits one individual from shaking the hand of another individual.
State Senator Loxley B. Mayblossom stated that SFA 16-H clearly states that a first time violation will result in a fine of $47.98 to both individuals.
A second violation will cost the two individuals $900 each.
And if there is a third violation, both handshakers will be arrested and will spend two weeks in jail.
Mayblossom said that the state of Vermont is very serious about this situation.
Vermont State Police Chief Gavinello Conestoga stated that hopefully no one will violate 16-H a fourth time.
But he smiled, took a puff of his foot long Cuban cigar and said that if someone does, then those two individuals will be blindfolded and placed in a Vermont State Trooper vehicle and they will be personally driven across the state line to New Hampshire.
The individuals will then be stripped of all of their clothes, their shoes, and their underwear and left on the side of an isolated country road.
Conestoga said that should the individuals be caught back on Vermont soil then they will be handcuffed, taken to police headquarters, put in a soundprooof room, and they will then be tasered repeatedly until their ears fall off along with their belly buttons.
Vermont State Police Chief Conestoga said that yes this measure may sound somewhat extreme in nature and on the rather harsh side but it's really just a simple matter of someone just simply obeying the laws of the great state of Vermont.