President George W. Bush, speaking at the NATO Summit in Turkey said that embracing the principles of democracy does not mean embracing American culture. "Look at me," said President Bush during comments made at the Summit, " I'm the least cultural person you're ever gonna find and I'm an American. You don't have to embrace American democratic values; I don't embrace them and I own the country. In fact, I'm doing my best to suppress the Old American Values. Look at the Patriot Act, look at my pre-emptive attack on a sovereign nation. These are what I like to call the New American Values. My. point is, you can have whatever the hell values you want; so long as you do what we tell you to, I don't care what Heathen religion you follow."
Middle Eastern countries, at first resistant to the President's call, seem to be coming around. His most surprising new advocate is Abdul bull Durham, President of the Union of Thugs, Losers, Dead Enders and Assassins. In a written statement Mr. bull Durham said, " At first we were against George Bush and America, but he really seems to be coming around to our point of view. Look at the tortures at Abu Grab prison and the abuse of prisoners. Now, that's a cultural principle we can easily embrace. We like the idea also of spying on our citizens and expanding the role of religion in government. And think about it; you don't like a country? Issue a Fatwah against it and take it over, even it it has done nothing to you. These are values we can understand."
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " Before you jump all what Bush said I want you to know that we in the Administration have a lot of traditional values. We value Big Oil, just like our Republican forebears, we value Military Might and Old Time Religion. We also value Americans rights to agree with everything we do. And one more thing buddy, we value our right to muzzle annoying little scribblers like you, so you'd better watch your butt and start writing some nice things about us."