Bill Clinton is tonight on the run in his home town of Little Rock, Arkansas, following several claims made by local children that he'd baited them with treats in order to gain access to their bikes and trikes. Clinton has not been seen in public for three days, and it's feared that he may have already abducted several skateboards and dozens of bicycles.
Storeowners are also being warned to be extra vigilant in case the former U.S. President decides to escalate his attacks and go for larger bike hauls. Local county sheriffs have had to call in backup from both the FBI and CIA to help track Clinton, who is believed to have several disguises that were manufactured for him while he was in office. A CIA spokesperson confirmed that Clinton had been expertly trained in wearing the disguises to allow him to sneak out of the White House unnoticed during his Presidency. These included a Postal worker's uniform, a Barney costume, a pizza delivery outfit, and a cowboy ensemble. He is also believed to be in possession of specially fitted masks and face paints, and has been rigorously trained in evasive techniques.
Clinton's wife, Sen. Hillary Clinton, has made a stunning confession to the media, admitting that her husband has harboured a desire to be a pro BMX rider since 1983, after an accident at a birthday party in which he was left hypnotized for too long. His yearning has only been suppressed by special medication, which he is believed to have lost recently in a limousine. All children in the Little Rock area have been told to leave their bikes at home and walk to and from school until he has been captured.