GRAND RAPIDS, MI - Three pigs were found dead this morning at Goody Pig Productions of Grand Rapids, MI. Human flu has been officially confirmed as the cause of death in all three cases. Michigan pig producers have been advised to take necessary steps to make sure an outbreak of human flu does not spread beyond swine in the Grand Rapids area, says US Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack.
As the former governor of Iowa, one of the most important pig producing states in the US, Vilsack is uniquely qualified to oversee efforts in the current agricultural crisis. He stated that productions at Goody have been halted so necessary medical precautions can be effected across a wide swath of the agricultural belt.
Vilsack says it has further been determined all three little pigs had been part of the same 4H project before being sold to the company. It is hoped the deaths of all three may be attributed to contact with a single apparently quite pig-friendly person. Otherwise, if the disease has begun to spread from swine to swine, it may start to mutate faster, becoming quite resilient.
Family members of the deceased pigs will be provided for by the Arnold Ziffel Foundation, created in 1972 by Zsa Zsa Gabor. While urban legend has suggested the cast of Green Acres ate Arnold Ziffel when producers cancelled the show in 1971, the funniest, most popular member in the cast actually died early that year in one of the first documented cases of human flu in pigs, forcing early cancellation of the show.